Just a list of dumb stuff that makes me insane.
10. Ordering at Starbucks
There is something about Starbucks that short-circuits something in my brain the moment I walk in. I can hardly remember how to order anything. I put the blame squarely upon the shoulders of Starbucks. All I want is a coffee, a large coffee. I don’t want a MochaChocoLatteYayaFreeYourLadyMarmalade. Just a basic coffee. I wait in line hoping I don’t mess up my wife’s order and that I can stammer something out and hope that coffee is placed before me. I stand behind all these confident people, who are laughing and smiling in anticipation of their delicious beverage. Then it’s my turn to order. It usually goes something like this:
Starbucks Employee: Hi, Welcome to Starbucks, what can I get for you today?
Me: Um. Yes. Hello. Hi, how are you.? I would like a large, um excuse me a Lentil coffee, just coffee, you know regular stuff you drink it usually hot with some milk or something and it’s yum yum good. And then I would like a white chocolate raspberry smoothie with 4 sprigs of lemon grass and a hint of paprika with a double swirl of cappuccino and 2 shots of 5 Hour Energy Drink and a side of Macaroons.
Starbucks Employee: What?
Me: I GOTTA GET OUT OF HERE! (at this point I run screaming from Starbucks)
9. Washing Silverware
One of the chores I take responsibility at home is doing the dishes. I do it the old school way, by hand. I don’t have a dishwasher. I don’t so much mind doing the dishes but then I get to the silverware. I always save it for last in hopes that it has soaked enough that I don’t need to take 45 minutes to get some disgusting old eggs off a fork. If you’ve tried getting things unstuck from between a fork’s tines you understand the pain I live with. And forget about getting something out of a spatula. 3 day old crusted BBQ sauce? Oh no problem, let me ram this steak knife into my cranium.
8. Untranslatable Spelling
Maybe it’s because I’m a grizzled 80 year old man inside, but I cannot stand reading anything online that a teenager has written. I’m not the grammar or spelling police, but they write things that to me look like some alien language written upon an ancient pillar. I see things that look like words but also can’t possibly be anything of meaning.
7. Stepping on Sharp Toys in the Middle of the Night
It is the middle of the night. The house is quiet, the night has crept in and all is dark. You wake up with a need to drink the tallest glass of water in the world. So, silently, you make your way through the house toward the kitchen, hoping not to wake anyone. Then it happens. That jolt of agonizing pain that rips through your body in seconds. You yelp out in pain and lose all basic motor functions, usually resulting in you tumbling down to the floor and taking every loud object in the room with you crashing to the floor. You stumble toward a light and look down at the Alvin the Chipmunk happy meal toy that just tried to climb its way into your foot.
6. Having to Explain a Joke
I have a strange sense of humor, and in what can only be described as narcissism, I believe that I can come up with some pretty creative and hilarious things to say. However, I can tell you that there are thousands of times where I’ve said something, started laughing uncontrollably only to realize that I’m the only person laughing. I forget that people can’t see how my brain works, so then I’m left trying to explain why it was so funny, to which they look at me and then continue the conversation as nothing had happened.
5. Commercials with CGI Animals
I am an adult. I understand why there are commercials. What I don’t understand is the need to use talking CGI Animals to sell me something like medicine or a car. How does this apply to my life and do marketing agencies really think that I’m going to see this talking creature peddling life insurance and run out and toss my money at this company?
4. Celebrity News
Do I really need to know that Kim Kardashian just ate a salad and used pine nuts instead of walnuts? Why is this news? Why is it that we (in America at least) probably can’t point out Paraguay on a map but can tell you without a moment’s thought that some celebrity read a book ‘JUST LIKE WE DO!’. OH MY GOD, it’s so weird, who could imagine that another person might do something just like the rest of us. Maybe they also eat food and breathe air, just like us!
3. Toilet Amnesia
Toilet Amnesia is a phrase I’ve come up with to describe what must happen to adults when they finish going to the bathroom and then leave the restroom without flushing the toilet. Can you really take a crap and then forget about it in a second? Do your eyes suddenly open up and you are outside of the bathroom, wondering how in the hell you got there? If you can’t flush the potty like a big boy or girl then maybe it’s time to look into adult diapers.
2. Any Trip to Wal-Mart
Wal-Mart has the distinction of being able to change by mood in .00001 seconds after I walk in the door. I’m usually a pretty happy-go-lucky type of person, but something about Wal-Mart makes me go ballistic. I can’t take it. I practically put my head down and run through the store, grab whatever it is that I need, and get out of there as quickly as possible. I’m not sure if it’s just the region I live in or what but it seems to attract some of the worst people I’ve ever seen. I feel like I’ve been thrown into some sort of scientific lab test to see if I can lose my mind or revert to some caveman. Whether it’s the parents basically beating their kids, or the 500lb man with the oxygen tank ordering from the in-store McDonalds, or the people talking way too loudly about personal issues that I never needed to hear, Wal-Mart really makes me weep for humanity.
1. Thinking of the Dumb Stuff I did as a Teenager
Sometimes I’ll see a teenager do something and I’ll get extremely annoyed. But then I think back to all the stupid stuff I did when I was their age. I used to think I was so cool or funny, but then I think how people must have thought I was the most annoying little prick when I would drive down the road and yell random nonsense at pedestrians. Ugh. I am ashamed.