10 Stupid Things that Drive Me Crazy

Just a list of dumb stuff that makes me insane.

10. Ordering at Starbucks

There is something about Starbucks that short-circuits something in my brain the moment I walk in. I can hardly remember how to order anything. I put the blame squarely upon the shoulders of Starbucks. All I want is a coffee, a large coffee. I don’t want a MochaChocoLatteYayaFreeYourLadyMarmalade. Just a basic coffee.  I wait in line hoping I don’t mess up my wife’s order and that I can stammer something out and hope that coffee is placed before me. I stand behind all these confident people, who are laughing and smiling in anticipation of their delicious beverage. Then it’s my turn to order. It usually goes something like this:

Starbucks Employee: Hi, Welcome to Starbucks, what can I get for you today?

Me: Um. Yes. Hello. Hi, how are you.? I would like a large, um excuse me a Lentil coffee, just coffee, you know regular stuff you drink it usually hot with some milk or something and it’s yum yum good. And then I would like a white chocolate raspberry smoothie with 4 sprigs of lemon grass and a hint of paprika with a double swirl of cappuccino and 2 shots of 5 Hour Energy Drink and a side of Macaroons.

Starbucks Employee: What?

Me: I GOTTA GET OUT OF HERE! (at this point I run screaming from Starbucks)

 

just toss them in the trash

9. Washing Silverware

One of the chores I take responsibility at home is doing the dishes. I do it the old school way, by hand. I don’t have a dishwasher. I don’t so much mind doing the dishes but then I get to the silverware. I always save it for last in hopes that it has soaked enough that I don’t need to take 45 minutes to get some disgusting old eggs off a fork. If you’ve tried getting things unstuck from between a fork’s tines you understand the pain I live with. And forget about getting something out of a spatula. 3 day old crusted BBQ sauce? Oh no problem, let me ram this steak knife into my cranium.

ttylLOLBRBROLFLAMASNDKLAJSFK;AJSERFPAHIOEVKADNVADF

8. Untranslatable Spelling

Maybe it’s because I’m a grizzled 80 year old man inside, but I cannot stand reading anything online that a teenager has written. I’m not the grammar or spelling police, but they write things that to me look like some alien language written upon an ancient pillar. I see things that look like words but also can’t possibly be anything of meaning.

7. Stepping on Sharp Toys in the Middle of the Night

It is the middle of the night. The house is quiet, the night has crept in and all is dark. You wake up with a need to drink the tallest glass of water in the world. So, silently, you make your way through the house toward the kitchen, hoping not to wake anyone. Then it happens. That jolt of agonizing pain that rips through your body in seconds. You yelp out in pain and lose all basic motor functions, usually resulting in you tumbling down to the floor and taking every loud object in the room with you crashing to the floor. You stumble toward a light and look down at the Alvin the Chipmunk happy meal toy that just tried to climb its way into your foot.

'What the hell is he talking about? And why is he laughing?'

6.  Having to Explain a Joke

I have a strange sense of humor, and in what can only be described as narcissism, I believe that I can come up with some pretty creative and hilarious things to say. However, I can tell you that there are thousands of times where I’ve said something, started laughing uncontrollably only to realize that I’m the only person laughing. I forget that people can’t see how my brain works, so then I’m left trying to explain why it was so funny, to which they look at me and then continue the conversation as nothing had happened.

 

 

'Hello, I am a Bee selling products that may cause anal leakage, liver damage, and turning into a Bee'

5.  Commercials with CGI  Animals

I am an adult. I understand why there are commercials. What I don’t understand is the need to use talking CGI Animals to sell me something like medicine or a car. How does this apply to my life and do marketing agencies really think that I’m going to see this talking creature peddling life insurance and run out and toss my money at this company?

 

 

 

Logo of Impending Mediocrity

4.  Celebrity News

Do I really need to know that Kim Kardashian just ate a salad and used pine nuts instead of walnuts? Why is this news? Why is it that we (in America at least) probably can’t point out Paraguay on a map but can tell you without a moment’s thought that some celebrity read a book ‘JUST LIKE WE DO!’. OH MY GOD, it’s so weird, who could imagine that another person might do something just like the rest of us. Maybe they also eat food and breathe air, just like us!

 

 

'Do I drink outta this thing?"

3.  Toilet Amnesia

Toilet Amnesia is a phrase I’ve come up with to describe what must happen to adults when they finish going to the bathroom and then leave the restroom without flushing the toilet. Can you really take a crap and then forget about it in a second? Do your eyes suddenly open up and you are outside of the bathroom, wondering how in the hell you got there? If you can’t flush the potty like a big boy or girl then maybe it’s time to look into adult diapers.

 

 

Abandon All Hope, Ye who Enter Here

2. Any Trip to Wal-Mart

Wal-Mart has the distinction of being able to change by mood in .00001 seconds after I walk in the door. I’m usually a pretty happy-go-lucky type of person, but something about Wal-Mart makes me go ballistic. I can’t take it. I practically put my head down and run through the store, grab whatever it is that I need, and get out of there as quickly as possible. I’m not sure if it’s just the region I live in or what but it seems to attract some of the worst people I’ve ever seen. I feel like I’ve been thrown into some sort of scientific lab test to see if I can lose my mind or revert to some caveman. Whether it’s the parents basically beating their kids, or the 500lb man with the oxygen tank ordering from the in-store McDonalds, or the people talking way too loudly about personal issues that I never needed to hear, Wal-Mart really makes me weep for humanity.

 

 

Here's me making a complete fool of myself in another country

1. Thinking of the Dumb Stuff I did as a Teenager

Sometimes I’ll see a teenager do something and I’ll get extremely annoyed. But then I think back to all the stupid stuff I did when I was their age. I used to think I was so cool or funny, but then I think how people must have thought I was the most annoying little prick when I would drive down the road and yell random nonsense at pedestrians. Ugh. I am ashamed.

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31 responses to “10 Stupid Things that Drive Me Crazy

  1. Totally agree about so many of these we could be soul mates – especially Starbucks. Still, tell you what – you gotta get yourself a dishwasher mate…. I ;-)

    • The Starbucks thing just kills me everytime. I do need a dishwasher. I guess it is now 2012

  2. 10. I refurse to use starbucks terms. I order my SM, Med or Lg with the correct words. One of my favorite Illwill press cartoons is Foamy ordering coffee at a Starbucks.
    8. I don’t understand half of what my youngest niece posts on FB. Why can’t they just use their words?
    7. Cat toys. Hair balls.
    6. This is why I avoid trying to be humorous. I fail.
    4. Two fold phenomenon. Part one: The Depression hit. Movies were the only affordable source of escapism. People started elevating actresses and actors and could dream about better lives through them. Part two: the U.S. had no royalty, so with the rise of Hollywood stardom, American channelled the same type of royalty obsession found in other countries to the star and starlets of Hollywood.
    3. I blame it on kids and teens who are used to auto flushing public toilets. They don’t realize that not all public restrooms are that up to date and some have to be flushed just like at home. If I don’t believe that I might have to go insane.
    2. We need to change ‘going postal’ to ‘going walmart’ as most trips to walmart make me want to open fire on people.
    1. I was the responsible one at that age. Probably why I went a little crazy in my 30′s.

  3. Hysterical as always, Kloipy! All I can say to a few of these things is: ‘Try teaching high school English’, that really would make you crazy! Ha! I still do idiotic stuff as an adult, but I totally know what you mean. Some things are just cringe-worthy! This post had me laughing out loud at many moments.

    Something that pissed me off today was when I was out walking with my friend. Two walkers were coming through the gate towards us. Now, I’m thinking, we’re like what, hmm, ten feet away from you; bugger the country code and just leave the gate open for us… But no. She looks at us. Closes the gate as I’m saying ‘we’re just coming through there,’ in a faux-chirpy fashion. What the hell is that all about?!?

    Grr to people!

    • Heeheehee :) Hey if you didn’t see yet, I posted the Music Spotlight with your theme on it today

      • YAY! I’m snail like right now, hadn’t seen it. So cool. Off to check it out and then I will respond, he he! :) Thanks!

  4. I heart his post. Holy crap do I ever hate Starbucks. Plus, I find my clothes just REEK of the place once I’ve left. It’s brutal. Explaining a joke is the stuff of nightmares and I can’t even tell you the number of times I’ve been struck dumb by some random memory of the idiotic shenanigans I got up to in my highschool days.

    • I think I get mostly frustrated with the joke thing because I must believe that people will know exactly how I got the idea for it, or that I’m the only one laughing really hard

  5. I’ve only been in Starbucks once; the person behind the counter started speaking pure glockenspiel to me and I really didn’t know how to respond. I ordered what sounded like the biggest size coffee they had – it was the smallest. Bunch of tools.

    I do the washing up by hand as well! I despise it. I particularly despise custard that has cemented itself to a pan and requires a blow torch to remove it.

  6. I can’t agree more. Especially with the Starbucks thing. I just like to run in, get something “normal” and run out, but you always hear people needing half shots of this, soy that no whip double shot triple espresso. SOMETIMES I order “with an extra shot of espresso” but that still seems pretty normal compared so some of the insanity that spews from people in a starbucks.

  7. I was considering applying for an assistant manager at the local Bucks, then realized that I only go there to get my brother something. I have no business attempting to learn another language when I don’t plan on using it frequently.

    As for WalMart… I don’t go in there. Perhaps twice a year but that’s it. I’ll watch local news if I want to get upset or depressed.

    • the people behind me all look at me like I’m the crazy one who doesn’t understand their speak

  8. When I read “MochaChocoLatteYayaFreeYourLadyMarmalade” I seriously sat here and laughed for about five minutes. I couldn’t even continue reading. I’m still smirking/giggling about it. Great post!

  9. Hey now. I was 30-something when that picture was taken, in fact, I may have taken the picture. I still laugh on the inside when I think about the dumb teanage stuff you did….thanksful, of course, that I never did any.

  10. OMG can’t agree more esp. on numbers 8, 6, 4, 3 and 1. I hate it when my bofriend left his humor somewhere. Whenever I tell a joke, I have to explain it to him then tell him that he has no humor at all! lol And yes, to hell with Kim Kardashian!

    • I do put a bit of fault on myself for the humor part because I know a lot of the stuff is very out there haha

  11. I just love, love, love your blogs. They are great. Keeps me laughing.

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