She's Dead Jim! The Deadgirl Review

Deadgirl is a movie with a message and that message is as follows: If you are ever in the basement of an old abandoned mental hospital, find a weird rotting girl on a table that is breathing and has a bag over her head and tied down, please, do not fuck her. That my friends is the premise of this foray into Necrophilia called Deadgirl. This is a movie that tries so hard to have a meaning when all it stands to provide us with is shitty acting and watching a zombie get raped for an hour and a half. This movie is garbage of the worst kind, like packet of mayo; encased in a dog turd, roasting in the hot Alabama sun. Frankie may have to endure The Butterfly Effect 3, but Frank at least I can say that you most likely won’t have to see someone buttfuck a corpse.

Corpse buttfucking aside; this movie is not only pointless, it serves to piss you off by pretty much saying that all men, given the chance would rape a zombie if at all possible because we are ruled only by the smaller head. I’m sorry but I don’t think this is a fair assessment of mankind. Sure you got some sick fucks out there, I’m looking at you ghost of Ted Bundy, but for the most part most of the male population would not think this couth. I also don’t buy the idea that I think this movie is trying to get at that men think of most women as the ‘deadgirl’ in the way that women are seen as only a place to leave your DNA. That is bullshit. Real men treat women with dignity and respect; we don’t go all reverse reanimator on them.

The movie starts out with two of the most annoying characters in film history. Ricky and JT. Ricky looks like he just stepped out of Robert Smith’s asshole and JT looks kinda like Sam Rockwell doing his impersonation of Gary Oldman *wink wink*. They go to the aforementioned abandoned mental institute and find the Deadgirl. They talk about letting her go but then just leave. Apparently JT just couldn’t hold back so he goes back that night and beats the shit out of her while he has his way with her. Talking Ricky back into going to see her, he shows him by shooting her that she can’t die. Ricky, to his credit, doesn’t want any part of this but then yet keeps going back once it is established that JT can’t stop. He’s got necro-fever! Soon their other friend ‘Wheeler’ gets invited to join in on the shenanigans and Ricky yells at them and yet doesn’t do a damn thing about it. Way to go Ricky, taking the passive stance against corpse buggery. But Ricky has other things on his mind like getting together with the most popular jocks girlfriend. Yeah Ricky, I’m sure she’ll love your crow-centric poetry and won’t mind listening to hours of Bauhaus.

Not 1, not 2, but any entire bag of douches

After Ricky gets his ass handed to him by the jock, Wheeler lets it slip about the deadgirl, so the jocks stuff them in the trunk and force them to show them what Wheeler called ‘their sex slave’. For no reason the jocks start getting turning on by the deadgirl and pretty soon, Ricky’s mortal enemy is getting a hummer which turns into an orchestra of teeth chomping. The next day the jock starts to stink and has a bruise on his chest and a powerful case of the runs. In what turned into a very WTF moment, the jock shits his intestines out, which is I guess how you become a zombie, but he doesn’t come back and the movie just kind of leaves it at the prolapsed intestine. JT and Wheeler, not being satisfied with one deadgirl seek out to make another. They stalk women outside of a gas station at night in hopes of tricking them into getting zombified. Here’s another of this movies weaknesses. Anytime they try to create tension, for some reason incredibly dumb shit happens. They pick a woman and trick her by saying they have pot, so Wheeler hits her over the head with a tire iron. She stands there for a moment and blood pours down her head. Instead of collapsing or dying, she then kicks the shit out of them and then just leaves. She’s right there at a gas station, she has a head wound from some kids trying to kill her, and she just says ‘fuck it, Greys is on in 10″?  And another scene like this is when Ricky gets pissed and goes on a rampage in his room. By that I mean that he gently taps his bedpost with a baseball bat and huffs and puffs like a certain Fairy Tale lupin.

JT gets the idea to take Ricky’s girl to be the new member of the family and Ricky has had enough. JT tries to convince him that she will never love him on the outside but down in rape basement he can be her king. Ricky does what looks like the noble thing and frees her and Deadgirl, who kills Wheeler and bites JT’s lip off before running off into the wild to go do deadgirl things. But what’s this? Ricky’s dream girl got stabbed by JT and dies in Ricky’s arms. I thought it was over but we cut to what seems like a passage of time. Ricky is now wearing polos and seemingly very happy regardless of the fact that his two friends are dead and missing and no one seems to care or notice. But then, betraying the character that was built the entire movie, we see Ricky walking back to the mental hospital and we see his Dream Girl tied to the table in the basement where her eyes open and it fades to black. I thought she got stabbed? She wasn’t bit, so how the fuck did she come back to life? The movie just is full of questions like this. Other questions include: Why am I watching this shit?

The person I feel the worst for is the actress who played the deadgirl. She is naked the whole movie and has to have these putrid kids pretend to rape her. If this is your first film hopefully your career can only go up. Don’t listen to any of the hype about this movie. It is what happens when people get an idea and then have no idea how to execute it and just randomly throw ‘shocking’ images on the screen. I wish that someone would tell these filmmakers that we aren’t all Harry Knowles and most of us don’t have time for this kind of trash. Godspeed Deadgirl.

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