Your Candy Sucks

 

  

We’ve all been there. The late night scrounging in the pantry looking for a snack. Your eye spies something in the back corner, covered in dust and cobwebs. But you need candy. So you reach back into the dark recess only to be disappointed some pale excuse for ‘candy’ that you find there.

Here’s a list of some other terrible, supposed ‘candy’

 

‘Hilarious’ -said nobody ever

Wax Lips

First off this should never have been considered candy. Sure you can chew it but it is only enjoyable if you like the taste of candles. Who decided that forming a ball of wax into a pair of lips and then marketing it to people was a good idea? Were wax lips ever funny? What sort of humorless jerk tried to pass this off as comedy?

‘Hey, why don’t we just make a giant pair of fake lips! People like oversized things!’

‘Will they laugh?’

‘They may chuckle for 1.2 seconds and that is the end of the joke’

‘What do they do with them after that?’

‘Um…I guess they can chew on it until it becomes some sort of saliva filled ball of disgusting juice and they can pick wax out of their teeth for the next week and a half.’

‘BRILLIANT!’

 

 

Bit-O-Honey

More like crack my teeth on the steel-like construct. I also fully feel raged at anything that feels the need to patronize me with the use of an ‘O in its name. Bit ‘o Granite would be a more apt name for this reconstructive dental surgery inducing flavorless hunk of crap.

 

 

Look children a pile of suck!

Circus Peanuts

Do you enjoy the taste of Styrofoam? Then you will love Circus Peanuts. If you are every single other person in the known universe than you will hate Circus Peanuts. This is the one candy that is inevitable to show up on Halloween and stay in your house until the following Halloween. I swear they stopped making these things in 1942 and they are just constantly being recirculated throughout the populace as I don’t know anyone who actually eats them.

 

 

 

Unnamed Strawberry Candy

Who knows what the actual name of this candy is. You never see it in any store. I defy anyone (without doing a Google search) to tell me what the name of this candy is. I will give you a smile and a ‘job well done’ comment. This is like the mystery candy. You know it the second you see it but have no clue where or when it came from. The one thing you can be assured of is that if you see it, you are in the presence of an elderly person.

Do old people have some sort of embargo on shitty candy? They seem to have a plethora of disgusting candy. This is one of those candies that are actually put in a glass ‘candy dish’. Usually old enough to be fused permanently with the glass, this candy sits among some other classics as:

The unnamed lemon candy

Peppermint sticks circa 1859

Those cookies that come in brown and yellow and taste like cardboard and lemon cardboard

 

 

the look of deceit

Crazy Shapes and Colors Licorice that all Tastes Like Black Licorice

This one may be only me because I HATE black licorice with a passion, but this candy offends me. Why do they go to the trouble of making all the licorice look weird and different when it all tastes like black licorice? The first time I had this I kept going to different pieces thinking that they would taste different. But oh no, still black licorice. Is this some sort of Jigsaw torture candy that I have to get through? Is there a magical piece at the end of the bag that tastes like heaven?

 

 

‘Be Mine’ ‘I-Luv-U’ ‘Kiss-Me’ ‘Go Fuk-Urslf’

Sweethearts

The Valentine’s Candy. Or, the candy that tastes like chalk that forces you to read sappy sentiments before you crush it in your teeth. There’s a reason you don’t see this candy any other time of the year. And that’s because this candy is terrible. This is candy you give to people you hate.

 

Salt Water Taffy

Nothing says ‘I’ve been to the beach and dislike you immensely’ then the pastel colored nightmare that is Salt Water Taffy. If you like chewing on something for ages for little to no satisfaction then you will love Salt Water Taffy. If you like chewing paper with your candy you will love Salt Water Taffy. I can only imagine that someone has actually died while eating Salt Water Taffy and that has got to be the most embarrassing way to die.

 

 

This isn’t funny. That isn’t even a joke. GOD I’M SO ANGRY

Bazooka Joe

As if non-flavored chewing gum is bad enough, this son of a bitch makes you read his stupid comic misadventures. Hey Bazooka Joe, you aren’t funny or cool. Wipe that smirk off your stupid face or I’ll come smack that cap off and blind you in your other eye. How’d you lose that eye in the first place Joe? By peddling your crap gum off on the wrong person. A trip to Wikipedia told me that Bazooka Joe is set to be adapted as full length motion picture. WHAT!?!?!?! SOMEONE THINKS THIS STUPID PIECE OF SHIT WILL MAKE A GOOD MOVIE. THIS IS NOTHING MORE THAT A PIECE OF GARBAGE YOU TOSS 2 SECONDS AFTER PUTTING THE CRAPPY ASS CANDY INTO YOUR MOUTH! BAZOOKA JOE IS ABOUT AS FUNNY AS A MYSTERIOUS LUMP YOU FIND UNDER YOUR BALLS! WHU…WHY…HOW…NO DEAR GOD NO. HAS THE WORLD GONE CRAZY!

Sorry. I’ve calmed down now. I’ve decided my dream of every making a movie is no longer valid. I’m done. Thank you Hollywood.