Your Candy Sucks

 

  

We’ve all been there. The late night scrounging in the pantry looking for a snack. Your eye spies something in the back corner, covered in dust and cobwebs. But you need candy. So you reach back into the dark recess only to be disappointed some pale excuse for ‘candy’ that you find there.

Here’s a list of some other terrible, supposed ‘candy’

 

‘Hilarious’ -said nobody ever

Wax Lips

First off this should never have been considered candy. Sure you can chew it but it is only enjoyable if you like the taste of candles. Who decided that forming a ball of wax into a pair of lips and then marketing it to people was a good idea? Were wax lips ever funny? What sort of humorless jerk tried to pass this off as comedy?

‘Hey, why don’t we just make a giant pair of fake lips! People like oversized things!’

‘Will they laugh?’

‘They may chuckle for 1.2 seconds and that is the end of the joke’

‘What do they do with them after that?’

‘Um…I guess they can chew on it until it becomes some sort of saliva filled ball of disgusting juice and they can pick wax out of their teeth for the next week and a half.’

‘BRILLIANT!’

 

 

Bit-O-Honey

More like crack my teeth on the steel-like construct. I also fully feel raged at anything that feels the need to patronize me with the use of an ‘O in its name. Bit ‘o Granite would be a more apt name for this reconstructive dental surgery inducing flavorless hunk of crap.

 

 

Look children a pile of suck!

Circus Peanuts

Do you enjoy the taste of Styrofoam? Then you will love Circus Peanuts. If you are every single other person in the known universe than you will hate Circus Peanuts. This is the one candy that is inevitable to show up on Halloween and stay in your house until the following Halloween. I swear they stopped making these things in 1942 and they are just constantly being recirculated throughout the populace as I don’t know anyone who actually eats them.

 

 

 

Unnamed Strawberry Candy

Who knows what the actual name of this candy is. You never see it in any store. I defy anyone (without doing a Google search) to tell me what the name of this candy is. I will give you a smile and a ‘job well done’ comment. This is like the mystery candy. You know it the second you see it but have no clue where or when it came from. The one thing you can be assured of is that if you see it, you are in the presence of an elderly person.

Do old people have some sort of embargo on shitty candy? They seem to have a plethora of disgusting candy. This is one of those candies that are actually put in a glass ‘candy dish’. Usually old enough to be fused permanently with the glass, this candy sits among some other classics as:

The unnamed lemon candy

Peppermint sticks circa 1859

Those cookies that come in brown and yellow and taste like cardboard and lemon cardboard

 

 

the look of deceit

Crazy Shapes and Colors Licorice that all Tastes Like Black Licorice

This one may be only me because I HATE black licorice with a passion, but this candy offends me. Why do they go to the trouble of making all the licorice look weird and different when it all tastes like black licorice? The first time I had this I kept going to different pieces thinking that they would taste different. But oh no, still black licorice. Is this some sort of Jigsaw torture candy that I have to get through? Is there a magical piece at the end of the bag that tastes like heaven?

 

 

‘Be Mine’ ‘I-Luv-U’ ‘Kiss-Me’ ‘Go Fuk-Urslf’

Sweethearts

The Valentine’s Candy. Or, the candy that tastes like chalk that forces you to read sappy sentiments before you crush it in your teeth. There’s a reason you don’t see this candy any other time of the year. And that’s because this candy is terrible. This is candy you give to people you hate.

 

Salt Water Taffy

Nothing says ‘I’ve been to the beach and dislike you immensely’ then the pastel colored nightmare that is Salt Water Taffy. If you like chewing on something for ages for little to no satisfaction then you will love Salt Water Taffy. If you like chewing paper with your candy you will love Salt Water Taffy. I can only imagine that someone has actually died while eating Salt Water Taffy and that has got to be the most embarrassing way to die.

 

 

This isn’t funny. That isn’t even a joke. GOD I’M SO ANGRY

Bazooka Joe

As if non-flavored chewing gum is bad enough, this son of a bitch makes you read his stupid comic misadventures. Hey Bazooka Joe, you aren’t funny or cool. Wipe that smirk off your stupid face or I’ll come smack that cap off and blind you in your other eye. How’d you lose that eye in the first place Joe? By peddling your crap gum off on the wrong person. A trip to Wikipedia told me that Bazooka Joe is set to be adapted as full length motion picture. WHAT!?!?!?! SOMEONE THINKS THIS STUPID PIECE OF SHIT WILL MAKE A GOOD MOVIE. THIS IS NOTHING MORE THAT A PIECE OF GARBAGE YOU TOSS 2 SECONDS AFTER PUTTING THE CRAPPY ASS CANDY INTO YOUR MOUTH! BAZOOKA JOE IS ABOUT AS FUNNY AS A MYSTERIOUS LUMP YOU FIND UNDER YOUR BALLS! WHU…WHY…HOW…NO DEAR GOD NO. HAS THE WORLD GONE CRAZY!

Sorry. I’ve calmed down now. I’ve decided my dream of every making a movie is no longer valid. I’m done. Thank you Hollywood.

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37 responses to “Your Candy Sucks

  1. This post made me laugh. So true…(although I do actually like Bit-O-Honey and saltwater taffy). But yeah, wax lips? Terrible idea. Tantalizingly-colored licorice? That just makes me mad.

    • it’s like they want you to hate the licorice. ‘look how pretty it is kids…haha! They have no idea it tastes like dirt!’

  2. You hit the nail square on the head with these gems. Bit on Honey is just god awful. Those lips too – what a rip off. I’d add double bubble – super bubble is far superior. And that nasty brittle stick of gum in baseball cards back in the day.. I also particular despise Tootsie Rolls – quite possibly the worst chocolate ever.

    • tootsie rolls take forever to eat and when you are done you are left with the question as to why you ate it

  3. This is such an amazing palette cleanser from the subject matter of your last post. And it is brilliant.

    I think you yanks might have some different candy than us canucks, as I am a bona fide candy connoisseur and I’ve never heard of the first 3.

    However, good grief – the unnamed “fruit” candies are the absolute worst. And yes, old people do own the monopoly on total garbage – except for werthers which are little pieces of heaven. I remember the first (and last) time I tried that licorice stuff – it looked like it would be brilliant and ended up disappointing like crazy (similar to the first time you try to eat a huge spoonful of cocoa because you think it’s chocolate dust.)

    Awesome post Kloipy!

    p.s. who eats salt-water taffy anyways? do these people exist?

    • thanks! Yes people do still eat salt water taffy, I think it’s a requirement in America if you go to the shore

  4. I’m totally with you on these, except the Salt Water Taffy and Licorice, both of which I like.

    But Circus Peanuts, seriously? What the hell? My brother in law loves Circus Peanuts which I always thought was so bizarre. Nobody likes them!

    • so you are the one! My mom loves black licorice and loves those types. I can’t understand it

  5. What? No mention of ribbon candy?

    And I second what ribbie above said about baseball gum. It was like eating a damn baseball card.

  6. This is a great list although I guess I’m more candy obsessed than I thought because I like some of these! I’m actually eating a piece of salt water taffy right now. Really! I love it, so many different flavors. Those strawberry candies I believe are made by Brach. They are sold by the weight in the bins at the grocery store. They are with the caramels and stuff. My dad had to eat candy due to low sugar levels and he used to keep those black licorice horrors in a coffee can. When we were desperate for candy we’d look in the can and just be pissed!

  7. FYI- it’s called Strawberry hard candy. Or at least that’s what google reckons.

    And Licorice Allsorts are brilliant. Philistine.

    • it’s actually called Strawberry Hard candy? Was coming up with a creative name that hard?
      I am a licorice Philistine of the highest degree

      • You can see them in the meeting:

        Philibrick, what shall we call this?

        Strawberry Hard Candy?

        GOLD. Let’s go down the pub.

      • Philibrick, it looks and tastes like an asshole, what shall we call it?
        Licorice?
        TO THE PUB!

  8. Hard not to agree with these choices, and salt water taffy is the worst. It looks good (sort of) drawing you in, but tastes awful.

  9. I’ve always liked the mysterious strawberry candy. From whence did you come from, o delicious candy? We will never know…

    Also, I lost a tooth on a Jolly Rancher as a kid so I would add them to the list of shitty candy. I was just sucking on it near the back of my mouth and my slackened jaw was the perfect place for the candy to rest and after a minute or so it was stuck to a tooth. I think you can figure out what happened next.

  10. You forgot candy corn. Everybody and their mother rails against candy corn. Personally, I don’t find it very offensive. I just can’t have more than a few before I want to throw up. Okay, so I guess it offends me a little.

  11. ‘Be Mine’ ‘I-Luv-U’ ‘Kiss-Me’ ‘Go Fuk-Urslf’

    Absolutely brilliant! ‘Love Hearts’ they’re called over here. You owe me a new keyboard – this one’s now coated with toffee apple flavoured cider… which actually tastes more like cream soda… erm…

    Oh, licorice fuckin allsorts. BLEEEEAAUUURGH!

  12. Wow, you have some serious candy issues, Kloipy!

    I like some of the shitty, cheap sweets that we get over here in the UK but some of them are plain awful. The worst are usually the cheap, imitation brands of sweets that are pretty good… Hope you managed to find yourself something good! :)

  13. Pingback: A Vacation From My Vacation « kimbervale·

  14. Those strawberry candies are called Rellenos Frutilla by a brand called Arcor :) So being it’s Spanish, they can be harder to find.

  15. I liked the “Unnamed Strawberry Candy”, haha, but most other stuff I agree with.

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