I’m Tired of Cats

In the past few years it seems that the internet has gone insane for cats. Not a day goes by that I don’t hear a story or see a picture or some lame joke made about cats. I go to a news website; there is a story about a cat. I go to Twitter and someone’s status is about their cat. If I was doing research on the Punic Wars, I’m guaranteed someone out there has re-enacted the entire war using cats.

Just as I sat down to write this I did a Google search on the word ‘Cat’.  The search brought up 2,830,000,000 hits with the word ‘Cat’ in it. 2 billion. TWO BILLION SITES.

For reference, let’s see what other searches pull up

Jesus- 861, 000,0000

Dog -1,520,000,000

Syria- 411,000,000

The Punic Wars – 665,000

 

Why does this bother me so?

LOLCATS

Humor, ladies and gentlemen

Who said this was funny? Take a picture of a cat and add a misspelled word or two and in a recent article in Newsweek, the creator was named as one of the pioneer innovators of the internet. I guarantee you can go to Facebook right this moment and scroll down a few pages and someone will have posted one of these pictures. Let’s really soak it in. This is wildly popular. And it’s just a picture of a cat with supposed ‘cat humor’. I could write a post pouring my heart and soul into the work, and yet it will never be as popular as a picture of a cat that say ‘I Can Has Cheezburger’.

‘My cat is just like a person!’

Pictured here: The Internet

No it’s not. It is a cat. Do you see people walking around and then stopping to shit in gravel (ok NYC subway you don’t count)? In the morning do you stop to shove your butthole in someone else’s face to wake them up? And on the flip side of that coin, how, pray tell, is your cat seriously like a person? Does it drive to work each day, come home and make dinner, and then finish off the night with a couple of Wild Turkey shots? Does it fret about people’s emotions or give two shits about who it comes in contact with? No it doesn’t and do you know why it doesn’t?

BECAUSE IT IS JUST A CAT. That is why it eats dry or wet food out of a dish on the floor. It rolls around playing with toys and is completely baffled by laser pens. Cat’s are about as much like people as potted plants are like people in that they exist on planet earth.  Before the internet, if people talked like this they were considered to be crazy, not quirky.

‘Mr. Mittens is soooooo cute! He just did insert inane piece of cat-related material here’

this woman has lost her fucking mind

Why do people online feel the need to tell us about every little minute detail of their cat’s life? Does anyone honestly give a shit that your cat likes to sleep in your lap, or that he just stalked a felt mouse thinking it was a real mouse because he is just a dumb fucking cat that couldn’t tell the difference? These people act like their cats truly love and cherish them and that they need to share the joy. That is total bullshit. When was the last time you heard of someone dying and their loyal cat waited for them day in and day out. Never. You never heard that story because it NEVER HAPPENED. The story you do hear is this

“Man or woman was found dead in apartment for over 2 months. House became infested with cats and cats feasted on the bloated corpse.”

A cat cares only that you have the ability to bring it food. Once that ability has ceased to be you mean nothing more to that cat other than being the fanciest feast. So the next time you feel the need to tell the world about Whiskers o’ Hoolihan’s love of cat grass, just look into his eyes and the deep apathy that lies within them.

 So with that said, please internet. Stop with the cats. It’s enough already. We get it, you like cats. That’s great and all, but please for the love of all that is good in the world, let’s move along. Hell I almost tagged this post as Cat-ire instead of Satire. That is how bad it is getting. You look at the numerous websites dedicated to nothing but cats and you read the way people talk about cats it has gone well and above just pet adoration. It’s some sick sort of fetish now. I think people literally want to be cats now. Even Cats: the Musical ‘Now and Forever’ had to end eventually.

I guess this is the purr-fect place for me to end this.

 

God damn it.

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