5 Things that Sound Cooler than They Probably Are: Part One

When people tell you things will be cool, you might want to think twice

 

What every hill looks like while skateboarding

5. Skateboarding

In my younger and more vulnerable years I used to skateboard. I did it every day all the time. And I was terrible at it. Yeah practice does not always make perfect, sometimes practice does nothing more than allow you to stand on the board longer than a man with one leg. I could Ollie, I could kickflip, I could grind a rail (for 3 seconds tops), but mostly I could fall directly onto my face or back. And because I was a teenager at the time, wearing protective gear was about as cool as going to the prom with your mother, I ended up suffering much more than I probably would have.  Guys- if you want to get the girl, there is nothing as cool as putting on your shades, getting low on your board, hitting a pebble, and then watching your shadow as you fly face first into pavement. Girls think that is cool, and when you are picking rocks out of your face that evening you will know it was all worth it.

 

 

 

'Hope you like the song Camptown Races. I'll be signing it for the next 800 miles'

 

4. Riding the Rails

I went through a period of time where I thought it would be awesome to just hop on a rail car and ride across the country. With the doors hang open I would lay against the frame and watch the open sky of the Midwest as we passed by, pen in hand writing the great American novel. Some things I clearly didn’t think of may dissuade me from doing so. First off, Train Hobos or TOBOs as I will refer to them from now on, are probably not the harmonica playin’, gap-toothed smilin’, bindle carrying friends you think they might be. More likely, they are more of  the stab you in the stomach, leave you bleedin’, and rob you blind kind of TOBOs. You also have to worry about the people working on the train who will either send you to jail or beat you within an inch of your life. Where does your food come from? Boxcar stew made from what little you can scrounge from the car so nails and wheel grease is not a part of a balanced breakfast. Also bathroom etiquette is probably right out the window. I’m not sure if you are supposed to just go out the side of the train or poop in the corner like some kind of human Barnum and Bailey Circus parade.

 

 

 

We've switched their normal parachute with Downey Softner Sheets, let's see if they can tell the difference

3. Skydiving

I’m going skydiving. I’ll be 85 at the time, that way if I die on the way down at least I’m going out like a 85 year old badass. Can you imagine what the first person to do this must have been thinking when they jumped? Probably something along the lines of ‘Why, oh why, did I think metal would make a good parachute?’

Skydiving seems only to exist to answer the question: ‘What does crapping your pants at 30,000 feet feel like?’

 

 

 

'If you kids don't knock it off, I'll turn this expedition around right now!'

2. Climbing Mt. Everest

You always hear about these stories of a blind man or a man with no legs climbing Mt. Everest. Those ignorant pricks, making the rest of us look bad. Sometimes I get winded climbing up stairs so I’d probably pass out at the base camp of Everest. Even if I did make it up, I’d probably lose a few toes by the way down. Once you climb the mountain do you feel some sense of anger that you could have just flown over the mountain, or watched a video of people climbing Everest? Also they say that you will pass other climbers who have died on the way up or down, frozen in the snow. I guess that would serve as some sort of incentive to keep going or you can use them as a sled to get back down like Homer Simpson did once.

 

 

 

'So that's what an exposed testicle looks like!'

1. Running with the Bulls

Have you ever seen a bull? They look pissed when they are standing around eating grass. Why would I ever want to join a crowd of people being run down by a herd of these things? I also don’t understand why they call it Running WITH the Bulls. A more apt title would be ‘Running Away from Bulls’ or ‘Oh Shit! Bulls!’

If I ever turn around and see a bull running toward me I can only hope that the news story doesn’t read like this:

“Local man gored to death by unexpected bull. ‘I heard a scream like a little girl and when I looked, I saw this man flailing his arms and urinating on himself’ said a bystander.”

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38 thoughts on “5 Things that Sound Cooler than They Probably Are: Part One

  1. For shizz #1 & 5. My grade eleven boyfriend was a “skater” and somehow that just made him all the cooler, even though he kind of sucked.

    Number five is not only insane, but totally brutal – to both the cracked competitors and the poor bulls! The culture of animal cruelty in Spain his highly disconcerting and just generally loathesome.

    • I used to think I was great and looked awesome, but I think the look of holding the board was way cooler than what it actually looked like when I was on the board haha

      What they should do is just release bulls at random peroids of time, let the animals get their revenge

  2. Let’s see,

    1. I started skateboarding in the late 70’s in LA I learned on the days the water was glass and couldn’t surf. About a year ago i got on a board and could still grind which was a pleasant surprise.

    2. Not to be pedantic here but that picture you have in the sky diving section isn’t anywhere near 30,000 ft. At that height you need to be on oxygen and wearing warm clothing. Its not a big deal I do it several times of a year.

    I ran with the bulls before its way overrated and not a big deal but I grew up riding bulls and did rodeo in High School and on weekends so it wasn’t a big deal..

    • Xi- I do bodysurfing (which is mostly me getting way too ahead of the wave and slammed at an alarming rate to the ocean floor. Wish I could surf, but probably won’t happen

      Yeah I really have no clue how high they normally drop you from. I will do it someday, but won’t be for a long time 🙂

      Did you do the whole rodeo thing, like roping and stuff too?

      • how high we jump depends on the training objective for that day.

        I didn’t rope in HS sine i didn’t have a horse so I just rode broncs and bulls. Years later when i bought some stock i got into team roping

      • have you seen that doc Buck yet about the real horse whisperer guy? interesting stuff

      • nope never even heard of it. My grandfather was a “horse whisperer” type. jesus i hate that fucking term.

  3. I’m sure there are many interesting ways in which all these activities are really enjoyable and, at the same time, horrible situations to be in, but the one I have to agree with most is the running with(or from) the bulls.

    I think diverity in culture is great and all that, but this was just one custom that I’ve been scratching my head over for quite some time, tring to think if this could be a pleasant experience, and “NOPE” is pretty much all I can think of.

  4. Your post made me laugh out loud. Thank you so much. You have no idea how valuable laughter is for me. I will make my husband read this as well when I get home.

  5. Pamplona was a stag destination for UK cretins a few years ago. I wonder if it still is.

    Anyway, that one’s no biggie, there’s loads of places to hide in Pamplona and you aren’t ever going to get trampled.

    Bungee Jumping, by the way- nowhere near as cool as it sounds.

  6. What a funny post! I would clearly never parachute, albeit I love watching them jump out of a plane at a nearby Parachute school. One parachuter was blown away into the forest because of a great gust of wind as he was lazily floating down. 2 hours later, the emergency people found him dangling from a tree (and safe) and had to cut him down from a tree branch.

  7. You just crack me up. I love reading your stuff. Very funny stories of life!! keep on writing.

  8. Funny, Kloipy – the skydiving caption is genius.

    I couldn’t skateboard either; I got bought one for Xmas as a kid once. 2 weeks later, face like mincemeat. Not as exciting as I thought.

    Bulls – I think it’s great when bulls gore people. I laugh joyously.

  9. I ran with the bulls in Pamps. The bulls aren’t the danger. The drunken lunatics are. It’s an experience, but it’s not necessarily a brilliant one. I had a better time the next day when I just went to watch.

    • wow that’s crazy that you actually did that. I can imagine that most people who get hurt probably are from being trampled by other people. I’m not good at running in the first place so I don’t think I’d do too well.

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