When people tell you things will be cool, you might want to think twice
In my younger and more vulnerable years I used to skateboard. I did it every day all the time. And I was terrible at it. Yeah practice does not always make perfect, sometimes practice does nothing more than allow you to stand on the board longer than a man with one leg. I could Ollie, I could kickflip, I could grind a rail (for 3 seconds tops), but mostly I could fall directly onto my face or back. And because I was a teenager at the time, wearing protective gear was about as cool as going to the prom with your mother, I ended up suffering much more than I probably would have. Guys- if you want to get the girl, there is nothing as cool as putting on your shades, getting low on your board, hitting a pebble, and then watching your shadow as you fly face first into pavement. Girls think that is cool, and when you are picking rocks out of your face that evening you will know it was all worth it.
4. Riding the Rails
I went through a period of time where I thought it would be awesome to just hop on a rail car and ride across the country. With the doors hang open I would lay against the frame and watch the open sky of the Midwest as we passed by, pen in hand writing the great American novel. Some things I clearly didn’t think of may dissuade me from doing so. First off, Train Hobos or TOBOs as I will refer to them from now on, are probably not the harmonica playin’, gap-toothed smilin’, bindle carrying friends you think they might be. More likely, they are more of the stab you in the stomach, leave you bleedin’, and rob you blind kind of TOBOs. You also have to worry about the people working on the train who will either send you to jail or beat you within an inch of your life. Where does your food come from? Boxcar stew made from what little you can scrounge from the car so nails and wheel grease is not a part of a balanced breakfast. Also bathroom etiquette is probably right out the window. I’m not sure if you are supposed to just go out the side of the train or poop in the corner like some kind of human Barnum and Bailey Circus parade.
I’m going skydiving. I’ll be 85 at the time, that way if I die on the way down at least I’m going out like a 85 year old badass. Can you imagine what the first person to do this must have been thinking when they jumped? Probably something along the lines of ‘Why, oh why, did I think metal would make a good parachute?’
Skydiving seems only to exist to answer the question: ‘What does crapping your pants at 30,000 feet feel like?’
2. Climbing Mt. Everest
You always hear about these stories of a blind man or a man with no legs climbing Mt. Everest. Those ignorant pricks, making the rest of us look bad. Sometimes I get winded climbing up stairs so I’d probably pass out at the base camp of Everest. Even if I did make it up, I’d probably lose a few toes by the way down. Once you climb the mountain do you feel some sense of anger that you could have just flown over the mountain, or watched a video of people climbing Everest? Also they say that you will pass other climbers who have died on the way up or down, frozen in the snow. I guess that would serve as some sort of incentive to keep going or you can use them as a sled to get back down like Homer Simpson did once.
1. Running with the Bulls
Have you ever seen a bull? They look pissed when they are standing around eating grass. Why would I ever want to join a crowd of people being run down by a herd of these things? I also don’t understand why they call it Running WITH the Bulls. A more apt title would be ‘Running Away from Bulls’ or ‘Oh Shit! Bulls!’
If I ever turn around and see a bull running toward me I can only hope that the news story doesn’t read like this:
“Local man gored to death by unexpected bull. ‘I heard a scream like a little girl and when I looked, I saw this man flailing his arms and urinating on himself’ said a bystander.”