So You Live in a Post-Apocalyptic World: Now What?

 

You wake up one morning. The birds aren’t singing. The sun isn’t shining. You open your window to a desolate and deserted world. Fire is raining from the sky and what was once a place of beauty is now a burnt shell of the populated society you once knew. Everything you once knew is gone.

You may be thinking ‘This stinks’. Well fret not my little lost soul, you can turn this ‘Wasteland’ into a ‘Graceland’

And here’s how!

 

 

The World is Your Playground!

That’s right, no more waiting for you my intrepid Post-Apocty. You ever want to break every window of a skyscraper? Now you can! Feel like driving a golf cart naked through the square of town while blaring ‘Walkin’ on Sunshine’? Wait no more! Now that everything you know and love is gone, you are free to do whatever you want!

You, sir or madam, can watch a movie without someone texting beside you. You can teach yourself the piano by making one out of the bones and teeth of the departed. You can recreate your favorite Thelma and Louise moment with a free car and a couple of well placed corpses! You ever feel like learning to use dynamite? You do whatever you please!

Everything you’ve ever dreamed of is now possible. The world is yours for the taking and you want to crown yourself King of these New Blighted States of (Enter Your Name Here).

 

 

 

Variety is the Spice of Life!

You’ve done some of the craziest things your mind could come up. Now what? Well, here’s the exciting and wonderful thing of this Brave New World you live in. There’s never a dull moment when you live in a world filled with Flesh-Eating Mutant, Marauding Gangs of Thieves and Bandits, and Radiation Poisoning!

If you liked Hide-and-Seek then you are gonna love this! Now, each night before you close your eyes you will be spending at least 2 hours huddled in fear, barely breathing, until the creatures pass you over. Talk about excitement!

You’ll tremble in terror and fun as you race for your life in a world gone mad. Just think of the cardio. And if you can’t outrun the mutants, become one!

The mutant lifestyle holds many amazing opportunities and self-revelations. You’ll be a part of a group that will welcome you with open and blistered arms. Travel the world and taste all kinds of different people. Your night-eyes will adapt quickly and you won’t miss the sun soon! The night life is outstanding! Network with hive-minded individuals such as yourself and soon you’ll be saying “uuuugggggghhhhhhhhhhh’

 

 

 

Everything is a Commodity!

Remember that basement filled with worthless Hummel figurines that everyone told you to get rid of years ago? Well thank God that you were a hoarder in your previous life, because now you can convince other survivors that they are worth something. Make them a currency system or barter them for goods and services. 3 cans of creamed corn will get you a one-way ticket to not-getting-eaten-sville. Crack that can of ‘Billy Beer’ you were going to sell on EBay, because you my friend are now living the lifestyle of the rich and famous!

 

 

 

See the World!

As I mentioned earlier, you will be chased down constantly by someone who wants to rape/kill/eat you so you will be on the move. You always said you wanted you wanted to see the country and now here’s your chance! From the ash-filled forests of New Tennessee to the ash-filled deserts of North Mutantana. You’ll be on your way to new experiences and new sights. Raft down a river of blood and camp out under the light of the gas fires.

So, throw your earthly belongings into the nearest shopping cart and embrace the style of the noble Nomad!

 

 

Remember- the world is up to you now! Repopulate or Assimilate!

 

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21 thoughts on “So You Live in a Post-Apocalyptic World: Now What?

  1. Kloipy, this is (I hope you don’t mind me swearing in your comments box) fucking awesome! What a brilliant post, seriously! LOVE IT! So fricking clever and incredibly witty – an absolutely terrifying joy to read! Mutantana – fantastic!

    • I don’t not mind the cursing hahaha. But thank you so much! Glad you enjoyed it. I almost scrapped it

      • LOVE IT! Seriously, at first I was thinking, ‘ooh, this sounds pretty fun’… but it gets pretty freaky pretty soon after! 🙂

  2. I am so glad I found (or you found me ) your blogs. Absolutly love it. I had to share this with a prepper friend of mine. I love your way with words.

  3. Awesome sauce post.

    I am so down for the zombie apocalypse. Not going to lie, the husband and I talk about our escape strategy on a pretty regular basis.

  4. Oh my God you were able to hear and write my thoughts, damn you beat me to it. The reason I’m saying is because the last full moon we had with another one coming on may 6 I be thinking in my head, what if we saw the side of the moon that don’t shine. You wrote it. Thanks I love your thinking

  5. Oh my God you read my thoughts and damn wrote it first. I love your thinking. Reason why I’m saying is because the last full moon we had with another one I believe will be may 6th, I was thinking what would happen if we saw the side of the moon that don’t shine. You wrote it first. Love it Love it

  6. scrap it? Seriously? Dont self doubt. That was one of the funniest things Ive read in a long time.

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