There are many Ghost Hunting shows on television these days. Most feature the exact same set up and execution. A group of people go in to some abandoned or supposedly haunted building. Night vision cameras are turned on and every creak or dust particle passing by is a ghost waiting to possess someone. Sometimes a psychic is brought in and sometimes someone gets ‘possessed’ and we are forced to listen to explanation about magnetic fields and ghost-goo and so forth.
Now I don’t know if there are ghosts or not. I’ve had weird experiences myself and I can’t completely discount the possibility that there are ghosts, chupacabras, yetis, swamp people, will o’ the wisps, or plenty of other creatures of the night. However- I find it hilarious that these shows manage to capture something paranormal on every single episode. I also love the way they force some supposed activity when there is nothing else to do:
Ghost Hunter 1: Did you hear that? It sounded like the bellow of a haunted soul
Ghost Hunter 2: Now it smells like sulfur in here!
Ghost Hunter 1: I think a ghost just came out of my ass!
Both together: PARANORMAL! (both turn to camera with thumbs up)
This brings me to possibly the biggest douche of the Ghost Hunting world. And that man is Zak Bagans: Ghost Puncher.
Now, for those of you not in the know, Zak Bagans is the host of the TLC show ‘Ghost Adventures’. No, the ghosts do not go in search of hidden treasure or the lost city of Atlantis, but what happens is much more hilarious.
To understand ‘Ghost Adventures’ you must think of it this way: You take some guys who still think they live in a frat house, get them drunk of Natural Ice, and then set them loose on hallowed ground. That is ‘Ghost Adventures’. That alone is a hilarious idea, but this is made so much better by the star of the show, one Mr. Zak ‘I am obsessed with myself’ Bagans.
Bagan’s style could be considered Jersey Shore meets T.J. Maxx bargain bin meets Chris Angel. He looks like he’s going to the club instead of some haunted bed and breakfast. He talks about everything as if it’s the most important thing that has ever been said by anyone in the history of time. He kind of sounds like a pothead who got stuck on an idea and is just rambling on and on. But this time it’s about ghosts. Also with that name I always picture him showing up in Middle Earth and really annoying the hell out of Hobbits and Elves alike.
There is one thing though that truly sets Bagans apart from the rest of the much respected ghost hunting community. And that is Zak’s approach to hunting ghosts.
We’ve become so used to people looking scared and speaking in hushed tones. They whisper the quiet haunting tale of those who have departed while making their way through the darkness. They respectfully try to communicate with the dead and perhaps just learn something from the other side.
Not Zak Bagans. Zak takes the ‘Die Hard’ approach to hunting ghosts. He literally thinks he is hunting ghosts like they are the deadliest prey (‘I’m gonna hunt the shit outta these ghosts’). Instead of trying to speak to the dead to let them know he means no harm, Zak taunts them. He yells at ghosts.
Let me repeat that. A man. In his thirties. Goes into an abandoned building. And yells at ghosts. He tries to antagonize nothing. He will literally sit in an empty room, take off his shirt, and say something to the effect of
‘Come at me, Ghost-Bro! Come on ghost! Who do you think you are, being dead and all that. You want to mess with someone, you mess with me, Zak Bagans. I’m the god of ghosts, the wrecker of spectres! You mess with the bull, you get the horns, ghost!’
Seriously, who does this? If there are ghosts what in the hell is the point in trying to piss them off. Someone’s dead grandmother is just floating along and Zak Bagans comes out of nowhere, shirt off, just calling them out like some professional wrestler. These ghosts must be so surprised and confused as to what is going on.
Ghost 1: Hey man, how’s it going?
Ghost 2: I don’t know dude. I just had the weirdest thing happen to me.
Ghost 1: Oh, did you run into that ghoul with the gimp leg who always talks about his gout problem? That guy’s an ass.
Ghost 2: No, I didn’t see Jerry. But man, this is strange. So I’m floatin’ on down by C Ward, you know just doin’ a little chain rattling, thought maybe I’d push over a chair or something. And then, out of the blue, I come through this wall, you know the one by the old rusty doctor’s office, and smack! I come face first with this half-naked human.
Ghost 1: Oh God! What happened?
Ghost 2: Well, this fool has a couple of dude’s with him, and they are standing around all serious with some sort of devices pointing around the room that are beeping for no reason, and then this guy starts yelling at me.
Ghost 1: What?
Ghost 2: Yeah, I mean, he’s not even looking in my direction or anything. But he’s all like ‘Come on you Ghost son of a bitch! Show yourself!’, and I’m just sitting there watching this happen. I couldn’t believe it.
Ghost 1: So he didn’t see you?
Ghost 2: No! He was just yelling at the wall and flexing his pecs like he wanted to fight something. Then I saw him kick an old can on the floor and say it was us!
Ghost 1: What a douchebag!
Ghost 2: Yeah man, a complete bag of douches. I did ectoplasm the hell out of his shirt though.
Ghost 1: Paul, that’s disgusting.
Ghost 2: heeheehee
Even if you don’t care about ghosts or anything like that, this show is so worth it to watch. So I salute you Zak Bagans, may you someday truly punch a ghost in the face. I’ll leave you with this clip