Zak Bagans: Ghost Puncher

There are many Ghost Hunting shows on television these days. Most feature the exact same set up and execution. A group of people go in to some abandoned or supposedly haunted building. Night vision cameras are turned on and every creak or dust particle passing by is a ghost waiting to possess someone. Sometimes a psychic is brought in and sometimes someone gets ‘possessed’ and we are forced to listen to explanation about magnetic fields and ghost-goo and so forth.

Now I don’t know if there are ghosts or not. I’ve had weird experiences myself and I can’t completely discount the possibility that there are ghosts, chupacabras, yetis, swamp people, will o’ the wisps, or plenty of other creatures of the night. However- I find it hilarious that these shows manage to capture something paranormal on every single episode. I also love the way they force some supposed activity when there is nothing else to do:

Ghost Hunter 1: Did you hear that? It sounded like the bellow of a haunted soul

Ghost Hunter 2: Now it smells like sulfur in here!

Ghost Hunter 1: I think a ghost just came out of my ass!

Both together: PARANORMAL! (both turn to camera with thumbs up)

This brings me to possibly the biggest douche of the Ghost Hunting world. And that man is Zak Bagans: Ghost Puncher.

'Why won't science recognize the legit quality of ghost hunting?'

Now, for those of you not in the know, Zak Bagans is the host of the TLC show ‘Ghost Adventures’. No, the ghosts do not go in search of hidden treasure or the lost city of Atlantis, but what happens is much more hilarious.

To understand ‘Ghost Adventures’ you must think of it this way: You take some guys who still think they live in a frat house, get them drunk of Natural Ice, and then set them loose on hallowed ground. That is ‘Ghost Adventures’.  That alone is a hilarious idea, but this is made so much better by the star of the show, one Mr. Zak ‘I am obsessed with myself’ Bagans.

Bagan’s style could be considered Jersey Shore meets T.J. Maxx bargain bin meets Chris Angel. He looks like he’s going to the club instead of some haunted bed and breakfast. He talks about everything as if it’s the most important thing that has ever been said by anyone in the history of time. He kind of sounds like a pothead who got stuck on an idea and is just rambling on and on. But this time it’s about ghosts. Also with that name I always picture him showing up in Middle Earth and really annoying the hell out of Hobbits and Elves alike.

There is one thing though that truly sets Bagans apart from the rest of the much respected ghost hunting community. And that is Zak’s approach to hunting ghosts.

We’ve become so used to people looking scared and speaking in hushed tones. They whisper the quiet haunting tale of those who have departed while making their way through the darkness. They respectfully try to communicate with the dead and perhaps just learn something from the other side.

Not Zak Bagans. Zak takes the ‘Die Hard’ approach to hunting ghosts. He literally thinks he is hunting ghosts like they are the deadliest prey (‘I’m gonna hunt the shit outta these ghosts’). Instead of trying to speak to the dead to let them know he means no harm, Zak taunts them. He yells at ghosts.

Let me repeat that. A man. In his thirties. Goes into an abandoned building. And yells at ghosts. He tries to antagonize nothing. He will literally sit in an empty room, take off his shirt, and say something to the effect of

‘Come at me, Ghost-Bro! Come on ghost! Who do you think you are, being dead and all that. You want to mess with someone, you mess with me, Zak Bagans. I’m the god of ghosts, the wrecker of spectres! You mess with the bull, you get the horns, ghost!’

'I'll knock your dead great-aunt down flight of stairs, no prob. "

Seriously, who does this? If there are ghosts what in the hell is the point in trying to piss them off. Someone’s dead grandmother is just floating along and Zak Bagans comes out of nowhere, shirt off, just calling them out like some professional wrestler. These ghosts must be so surprised and confused as to what is going on.

Ghost 1: Hey man, how’s it going?

Ghost 2: I don’t know dude. I just had the weirdest thing happen to me.

Ghost 1: Oh, did you run into that ghoul with the gimp leg who always talks about his gout problem? That guy’s an ass.

Ghost 2: No, I didn’t see Jerry. But man, this is strange. So I’m floatin’ on down by C Ward, you know just doin’ a little chain rattling, thought maybe I’d push over a chair or something. And then, out of the blue, I come through this wall, you know the one by the old rusty doctor’s office, and smack! I come face first with this half-naked human.

Ghost 1: Oh God! What happened?

Ghost 2: Well, this fool has a couple of dude’s with him, and they are standing around all serious with some sort of devices pointing around the room that are beeping for no reason, and then this guy starts yelling at me.

Ghost 1: What?

Ghost 2: Yeah, I mean, he’s not even looking in my direction or anything. But he’s all like ‘Come on you Ghost son of a bitch! Show yourself!’, and I’m just sitting there watching this happen. I couldn’t believe it.

Ghost 1: So he didn’t see you?

Ghost 2: No! He was just yelling at the wall and flexing his pecs like he wanted to fight something. Then I saw him kick an old can on the floor and say it was us!

Ghost 1: What a douchebag!

Ghost 2: Yeah man, a complete bag of douches. I did ectoplasm the hell out of his shirt though.

Ghost 1: Paul, that’s disgusting.

Ghost 2: heeheehee

Even if you don’t care about ghosts or anything like that, this show is so worth it to watch. So I salute you Zak Bagans, may you someday truly punch a ghost in the face. I’ll leave you with this clip

 

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62 thoughts on “Zak Bagans: Ghost Puncher

  1. Do you know what gets to me? There is SO much money in TV, yet there seems to be quite a lack of creativity and diversity… perhaps it’s because people will watch crap so readily. I don’t have a TV right now. I am spending my yearly TV license money on DVDs instead. You know what, after having spent most of my life watching too much shitty TV, I can honestly say that I don’t miss it, I really don’t!

    This is a fun post, as always! 🙂

  2. That’s hilarious! I watched a load of these Ghost Adventures on youtube last year, couldn’t get enough! Zak Bagans is a cock socket – but he’s brilliant. And he’s so not scared of goats. Or ghosts, even. Isn’t keen on snakes though, is he.

    You should try watching Most Haunted, Kloipy – particularly the episodes featuring the genius that is Derek Acorah. If you think Zak’s good at getting possessed, check out Derek. What a tit.

  3. Now I don’t know if there are ghosts or not. I’ve had weird experiences myself and I can’t completely discount the possibility that there are ghosts, chupacabras, yetis, swamp people, will o’ the wisps, or plenty of other creatures of the night.

    Hey-sus christos dude you are killing me here with this horse shit. THERE ISN’T any supernatural creatures, none nada never has been never will be. There’s no big foot, witches ghost, gods, no christs or any other made up shit ignorant people created to explain natural phenomenon of the world around them..

    • well we can’t at least discount aliens. universe is too vast for that not to be a possibility haha

      • Oh sure there are are all sorts of aliens out there somewhere the math says there are. The bigger question is are they coming to our little patch of blue to finger bang our asses and turn cows inside out? No no they aren’t.

      • meteorite and space rocks have brought alien life to Earth in the form of fungus and the like not very exciting but they are alien. unfortunately for that form of non sexy alien life guys like The Beard and The Neck won’t make movie about them. The weirdo freaks UFOLogist on line won’t clammer for disclosure and you can’t sell tours to look at rock fungus like you can for places like AREA 51 and Roswell..

      • even if there were to be advanced aliens they are probably so far away to not even know of our existence and if they were advanced enough to know, then they probably wouldn’t care

    • There are things that can’t explained by any conventional means.

      I think there are ghosts – but in the conventional sense, none of that chain clanking, head under the arm business.

      The air is full of electrical charge. We are full of electical charge. I think a ‘ghost’ is some kind of recording borne out of that.

  4. Hahahaha I have wathched him do stuff and yes pretty much fake and hilarious. I may believe in the paranormal and the old mysticism but why would you hunt ghosts on tv? money! Anyway, your dialogue on the two ghosts is very funny. I never thought of it, I mean in a ghost’s point of view.

  5. Oh Zak is a total moron. Must get me tight t-shirt on before looking for some ghosts. He must be laughing his ass off being paid for that.

  6. In an infinite universe advanced Aliens HAVE to exist, by the laws of probability.

    However, think about it, you’re an advanced Alien species, are you really going to come here and traumatise/ rectally probe some yokel?

    No, of course you’re not. You’re probably wondering about your 9 to 5 and whether you are taking home enough zlargs this month to pay the fucking mortgage.

  7. Horrible post..sorry, but it seems like you only watched maybe 2 episodes or got all your info from some other blog or a friend maybe.
    Zak makes a point in a few shows that he only yells at the spirits that supposedly harm people. If you’ve watched the show, you’d see that he actually kind of uses a comforting tone whenever he’s trying to contact one he knows isn’t evil.
    Did you really say the show is on TLC? Lol
    And just saying, they go to some of the most haunted places in the WORLD-Edinburgh Vaults, Fort Horsted, Shanghai, Moundsville WV and such. These places ARE haunted. I’ve been in Moundsville…fucking scary ass shit goes down in there when they let you stay in a cell by yourself for like 20 minutes.

    • Memphis- obviously this is a show you enjoy, so I can totally understand why you didn’t like this, but honestly it’s satire. I really could give 2 shits about Zak Bagans goes about ‘hunting’ ghosts. I’m sure there are some creepy places; hell I live in a state with Pennhurst and other defunct sanitariums. Even if there were ghosts why would you yell at them in the first place? When it all comes down to it, it is a TV show and they any network will use any tactic available to bring and keep the viewers.

      Again, this is purely a humorous post, and I take it about as seriously as I do any other ‘reality’ show. Sorry you didn’t dig it, but thanks comment

    • Memphis this is a legitimate question are you a paste eating fucking moron you stupid ass? THERE AREN’T ANY GHOST YOU DIPSHIT they don’t exist except in the idjits like you.

      • I have a life and happened to be working, so I didn’t have time to reply until now. I actually don’t like the show that much because most of its boring :p
        but I know for a fucking fact there are ghosts, and worse there are demons. And don’t even say Edinburgh isn’t haunted, because it has like over 500 years of documented brutal history.
        Also I live in Pennsylvania too..Washington right south of Pittsburgh by 40 minutes.
        I support the show just because the guys are so genuine and real and actually care about showing people the stuff.
        I know it was supposed to be humorous…I just didnt like how the things you poked at werent really valid because that’s not really anything close to what happens.
        Honestly I love the guys and there dedication to fans and how Aaron makes vlogs for each episode and when they’re traveling and stuff.
        Ghosts are definetly real and do are demons..just saying :p

      • Memphis- you are more than entitled to your opinion on the subject of ghost/demons, however there are a those of us who don’t believe in it. Honestly, it is just a television show and it entertains you and that’s great. I’ve watched a few episodes just for the sheer audacity of their ‘hunting techniques’. However, i don’t believe for a second that they take it as seriously as the claim to, and I stand by my claim of the douchey-ness of Mr. Zak Bagans.

        If you have real proof I would love to see it or hear your story or whatnot but I’m not sure if you are more upset that I’m making fun of the show or that I’m making fun of ghosts.

        All i can say is take it with a grain of salt. Also I’m not sure what I misrepresented here. It is a man in his thirties who takes his shirt off and yells at ghosts

  8. How dare you write such blasphemy about such a outstanding and important member of society

    I am shocked, simply shocked at your behavior. You should be ashamed of yourself sir.

    😉

  9. it would suck if the afterlife would be like that.. whispering vague shit and pushing doors open or fuck with the lights.. why do that?

  10. OMG laughed ’till I cried dude…laughed…’till…I…cried:-D Keep up the good work!

    Side note the GAC crew always reminded me of a bunch of school boys daring each other to do dumber and dumber sh*t in the local haunted house. Love how the two “tough” guys are always throwing aaron, clearly the chubby friend they let tag along, under the bus. “Yeah you go in there by yourself dude we’ll be right behind you.”

    • Thanks for reading and for the comment! Glad you liked it. Have you seen the new show called ‘Mountain Monsters’? it is a bunch of hillbillies out in the woods looking for monsters. They take shotguns with them and the security guy is named ‘Huckleberry’ so you know it is legit haha! Thanks again for stopping by

  11. You guys don’t even know him so what right do You have to dis this perfectly nice man!!????!!? Hes not at all what you thibk he really seems to be. I have met him and hes not all that bad.

  12. Lol… The funniest thing about this is people who can’t stand him will sit on this page and read the entire article. Kloipy is just a post-grunge wanna-be who has nothing better to do than sit in his mothers’ house and write bashing stories because he is so socially anxious, that it hinders his ability to walk outside of his house. In fact I can almost guarantee that he knuckle bangs his hairy black fartbox to Zak and then has to suppress his homosexual tendencies by taking it out on the man via the internet.

    Lol and Xiphos0311 way to camp the page for a day and rage about someone’s comment. I swear this guy poops truffles if his cat meows in the dark. I will bet you 20 internet dollars that both of these faggots inbox #dickpics to each other and swap stories about how they wish Zak would take off his shirt.

    Now I’m gonna wait for the reply about how he is either:
    1. A trained musician with a fantastic career.
    2. A sponsored poster child whose stories change lives. (I’ll wait for the Oprah story brah)
    3. How he’s the dark poetic type who has so much frustration penned up over his own sexuality that he needs to express his hate on wordpress and google base himself higher so he can be recognized by someone in the world.
    4. Is a “respected” member of the “respected” ghost hunter community. Highly doubtful, but we can all dream.

    The key theme here is OP is obv a faggot.
    “I’d rather rage over the internet about a TV show on the Travel Channel than do something that matters with my life.”

    >inb4 “Fight me IRL faggot”
    >ina4 >>”I’d mollywhop you hoe”

    Tweet it out bro.
    You sir, have a case of the gays.

    Tbh, you look like Joel David Moore from Grandma’s Boy, just minus the BDSM leather fashion but more of the cock loving eyes.
    (Those eyebrows would stop a blind man walking.)

    Well played internet anti-fandom, well played.

    • For someone defending a pretend show called ‘Ghost Adventures’, me thinks thou doth protest too much. Thanks for the laugh though!

  13. So you guys are confirming that you’re gay for each other Xiphos? ❤ That's fantastic and validates everything that I said!

  14. An absolutely brilliant article! I haven’t been reduced to tears in a right smart spell! I’ve only just recently been introduced to the comedic gold that is Ghost Adventures, however, after binge watching approximately 10 episodes I can say with a fair degree of certainty that you are spot on with every argument. I have a nagging urge to find out for sure whether Zak Bagans is genuinely this awful a douchebag or an Oscar worthy genius in disguise. Thanks for a very funny and entertaining read!

  15. I’m 100% sure it said “mild” not loud, why can’t he fall down a stairwell and be forced into retirement

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