By now you may have heard of Patricia Krentcil, the idiot who put her 5 year old in a tanning bed. First of all, look at this woman:
She looks like someone dumped her in a bucket of shit and highlights. Or an escapee from the Wonka factory.
This got me thinking. We seem to hear about all sorts of dumb stuff that parents do to their children, whether it’s plastic surgery for a pre-teen to Toddlers and Tiaras, someone needs to get on a permit for having kids. The gene pool is muddy enough as it is.
With that said: here’s a list of stupid activities that dumb people can force their children into!
*note: obviously this is satire, please do not do any of this to your child*
Infant Rattlesnake Roundup
Kids love animals. Kids love rattles. So why not combine two of their passions into one fun-filled activity! First, we take your 8 month old and drop them in the ‘Play Pit’ (created with care to provide the babies and the snakes with a more natural environment, and don’t worry we’ve laid down tanbark to soften any falls). Then once the babies have become acclimated to their new surroundings, we take 3 truckloads full of the largest and most venomous Eastern Timber Rattlesnakes, and wheel them into the arena. These snakes have been starved and taunted for at least 2 weeks prior, and our special Snakespecialists have made it their mission to make sure the snakes are ready to rumble!
You’ll cheer with delight as we pour 2 tons of snakes from the observatory into the arena where your child will be waiting as snakes rain from the sky. In a writhing pit, your child will have 10 whole minutes to maneuver the enclosure without getting bitten. If they make it out with nary a scratch, you are entitled to a 10 dollar gift certificate to the Denny’s of your choice. The losers will receive a chance to navigate Razor Blade Alley to the stockpile of antivenin we’ve hidden!
Friday Night Toddler Fight
The lights. The glamour. The glory. We take your weakling 24lb toddler into a vicious training regiment and mold them into Apollo in Diapers. In a furious 12 rounds, we pit only the hungriest toddlers into a championship bout for the title of Toughest Two Year Old. These kids may be young but they fight like the most grizzled heavyweight counterparts. The punches come fast and furious while the crowd will cheer them on with Raffi songs.
Watch these dough-armed, equilibrium-challenged youngsters as they bawl their way to victory! If your child is up to the challenge, they will join the ranks of such other famous Baby Boxers as:
Petey ‘Drool Face’ Mcgonagal. Lennox ‘The Ragin’ Cajun’ Levesque. Prince Haseed ‘Diaper full of Glory’ Smith.
LET’S GET READY TO STUMBLLLLLLEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
Child Vs Wild
In this new and exciting reality show, we bring the experience of a lifetime to your child! First we take your child from the comfort of their bed, blindfold them, and throw them onto the helicopter waiting outside. And here’s where the adventure starts!
We choose from only the most remote and inhospitable places that planet Earth has to offer and leave your child for seven days of brutal survival! Your child will learn to fend for themselves learning to make shelter, build a fire, and find out what plants are edible, in the realist reality show ever!
Watch as these children navigate a harsh landscape while dealing with all the trials and tribulations that come along with living in the wild. Not only does this make for great entertainment, it’s also very educational. You’ll child will learn necessary skills such as: surviving hypothermia, free climbing, first aid, and the eating habits of the Kodiak bear!
Here are some more great kid’s activities for dumb parents!
Electric Blanket Swim Competition
Can You Drink This?
Baby’s First Tattoo
Pin the tail on the Hippo
Tugboat Over Niagra
Survival of the Fittest: The Siberia Experiment
Downhill Big Wheel Racers: Race through San Fran
Sippy Cup Intervention
Space Babies: Mission to Mars