We’ve all been in this situation. You’re sitting down for a relaxing evening of TV and boxed wine. You flip through the channels and all the sudden some TV salesperson is yelling at you to buy the newest thing made by creative geniuses JUST LIKE YOU!
And they tell you that you better act fast, because you know you aren’t smart enough to know that some retail store will carry this piece of junk in a month or so. But you may not receive the deal of getting 2 crappy items for the price of 1 and some add on junk that has nothing to do with the product.
So I thought I’d take a look at some of these products and let you know what you are in for!
MagicMesh is exactly what it looks like. A fake screen door (ie an overpriced mosquito net) that you hang in front of your real door to keep out bugs and let some fresh air into your house. But wait just one second Grampa Pushy, here’s the catch: it’s not just any screen door. IT IS MAGICAL! And by magic, I mean it’s held closes shut on its own with, hold onto your hat, MAGNETS! And not just any magnets! 18 Magnets! THAT’S A LOT OF MAGNETS! Yes, by harnessing the amazing power of polarization, this cheap piece of mesh will close shut with ease. No more hassling with those pesky ‘door handles’. Now you can use less and less energy by just walking right through it! What ease and grace!
What is really funny is that this thing is pretty much advertised to keep bugs out of your house and yet in the commercial it doesn’t even hang the whole way down to the ground, leaving a convenient and simple way for bugs to get into your house, unless they are afraid of 17 or more magnets.
Now, in principle this seems like a good idea. Crack an egg in this piece of plastic and drop it in boiling water and you get a hardboiled egg. However, I don’t appreciate the way the announcer told me to cut out the HARD and laborious chore of having to take the shell off a ‘normal’ hard-boiled egg.
Cutting steel is hard. Mining for blood diamonds is hard. Bare knuckle bear fighting is hard.
Taking the shell off of a hard-boiled egg isn’t what I’d consider hard. Annoying at best.
8. S’More to Love
‘Have those same old snacks gotten boring and tired? Would you like to make S’mores without struggling with a fire?’ Yes, this insipid rhyme is the way the commercial for this soul-crushing creation starts. Since when has a snack become boring or tired? Are people really complaining about how terribly redundant something you choose to grab out of the pantry in between a full course meal?
‘Ma, I can’t believe you made brownies again! This is SO boring! I wish I was aborted!’
The second part of this jingle is even worse if that’s somehow possible. I mean when you think of S’mores you mostly think of making them over a roaring campfire. Part of the nostalgia of making S’mores is the whole process of making it. Yeah, your marshmallow might be cremated, and after eating it your hands are sticky and covered in grass and dirt, but that’s part of the joy of making S’mores! But now with ‘S’More to Love’ there is no reason to ever leave the house again! You just pop this little thing in the oven and BAM your kids will know nothing of the outside world!
7. Handy Caddy
Yep, look at that picture. That’s what this thing does. You put your coffee maker on top of it and it slides forward ¾ of an inch. The description on www.asseenontv.com states that this product was made so that you don’t have to rearrange your whole kitchen every time you want to make a pot of coffee. Have we seriously become this lazy that we couldn’t have pre-planned a spot for the coffee pot? I just imagine someone getting so exasperated.
Person 1: Hey honey, would you like a cup of coffee?
Person 2: Sure baby! That would be amazing!
Person 1 stands over the coffee maker with a look of distress
Person 2: Everything ok in there?
Person 1 mutters under breath: Are you kidding me? There’s a spoon in front of the coffee maker. Now I have to move the entire goddamn kitchen around to make this asshole a pot of coffee. Oh yeah ‘that would be awesome’ what a jerk. He’s sitting there all comfortable on the couch and now I have to demolish the entire kitchen just to make his fat ass a cup of coffee. I don’t think so. Where’s my gun?
6. Bust Up Cups
Now this is pretty much just a bra filler to make your boobs look bigger. Yet I’m confused by the marketing on this product. In the commercial it states that you won’t have to worry about any more ‘messy inserts’. Are women stuffing their bras with lime Jello? How messy are normal inserts?
One thing that is nice is that they are not just marketing this to young people. On the website there is a silver-haired cougar with a few buttons undone and smiling at the consumer just so excited to show those 60 year old boobs to you. Nothing says ‘I’m a sexy 3rd grade music teacher’ than the ‘Bust Up Cups’.
What is also hilarious is the way they show a 3D Animated female anatomy and we get to see how the ‘Bust Up Cups’ will make your breasts appear to be larger than life!
I feel really bad for the one woman in this video. She’s arching her shoulders forward so hard in a gym shirt with no dip in the neckline I guess hoping that her breasts will rest comfortably on her ear lobes. Obviously I’m not the target for this product, but I can’t imagine a woman watching this and rushing towards the phone.
Though I can imagine a 13 year old boy watching this infomercial while mom and dad are out at Lowes for the afternoon…
5. Fein Energy Crystals
I have no idea if this product works. It looks like you just dump it in tap water and it gives you a boost. But I do find 2 hilarious things about it.
The first is the fact that they call it ‘Energy Crystals’. Now this sounds like something directly taken from some early 90’s side-scrolling video game. I really find it hilarious that people think that I would buy into the idea that this is some mythical crystal. Their marketing should have gone like this:
“Before the dawn of man, in the mountains of madness, a dark being wrought his pain and suffering upon the fertile ground. He took the mighty Glave of Algorath and tore open his flesh. From his black and acrid blood; Fein Energy Crystals were born! Now you too can harness the power of The Elder Gods!”
Which brings me to the second part of this hilarious product. The actual marketing. In a commercial for an energy drink, you’d think they would have chosen a dirt bike racer, or some kind of extreme shark-polo type fool to show you how it keeps them going all day long. They went a different route and chose an EXTREME POKER PLAYER! Really? Does poker take that much energy away from you? What was their second choice? An EXTREME LIBRARIAN! But what is really hilarious is that this dude is talking about how he needs to stay energized under the extreme pressure of a round of poker. I assume he is supposed to be doing his ‘poker face’ and it must psyche out some people but honestly he looks like a cross between a cow chewing and someone doing a ‘Rain Man’ impression.
4. Long Reach Comfort Wipe
Yes, it is exactly what it sounds like. This ‘personal hygiene’ tool is made so you can get those ‘hard to reach’ places and you’ll never touch a soiled piece of toilet paper again!
But what is up with the ‘Long Reach’ part of this product. Either your butthole is located above the small of your back or you are having some massive blow outs from time to time. Not to mention that it looks like something you’d dread to see your proctologist advance toward you with. This is a product that you may want to keep hidden away from the guests lest they think that you haven’t learned how to wipe properly by now.
3. Sauna Pants
Sauna Pants are marketed to ‘Make you sweat in the areas you need it most, the abdomen, waist, back, and hips’. Yeah, because people love nothing more than walking around with a sweaty ass all day long. Hopefully you’ve been using your ‘Long Reach Comfort Wipe’, or else you’ll be needing to clean your ‘Sauna Pants’ every day.
The description says that you should use it for 50 minutes every day. Every day? Who has time to strap this contraption on every day for almost an hour? Should I wear this thing to work or take it for those long car rides so I can sweat all over the car or office.
It also says it may ‘possibly’ help you lose weight. Ew. This thing just sounds nasty. And I’m sure everyone in the world will enjoy their genitals being a comfortable 125 degrees.
2. 360° Swivel Car Cushion
Have you ever been driving along, when all the sudden you just get that urge to spin around in the circle? Me either. This product just seems to be inviting a lawsuit. Now you can yell at your children in the backseat without craning your neck. I assume if you want to swivel you need to a. have your knees up to your face and b. not be wearing a seat belt. Can you picture passing someone on the highway just spinning like a top as their car slowly drives into the median? Sounds like a perfect world to me.
1.Zestra Essential Arousal Oils
From the romance section of As Seen on TV comes Zestra Essential Arousal Oils or as it’s known in dive bar bathrooms as ‘Spanish Fly’. And this product actually has a celebrity (ok a person who is famous for having a daughter who is famous for having sex with someone on tape) endorser in Kris ‘Old Troll’ Kardashian. She is convinced that it works for her. Apparently she needs an aid in getting aroused enough to get it on with Bruce Jenner (not that anyone could blame her for that). I really can’t believe that in this day and age people are still buying into aphrodisiacs. And especially ones that are sponsored by one of the Kardashians. So is it like Oil of Nacho Cheese Doritos or Fat Ass Sweat From the Sauna Pants?