I have a problem with Road Rage. I can’t help it. I’m usually a very low-key, slow to anger type of person. However, when I get behind the wheel I turn into some steroid-addled Hulk wannabe. Now, I don’t go out of my way to hurt someone or even flip the bird, but what I do is loudly provide some commentary inside my car or give the ‘I know what you did’ glare. People driving past me must think I’m insane. My windows are up and my eyes are bugged out and my lips are constantly forming expletives.
With that said, here are some reasons why I should see some Drive-Angry Therapy
I’m not sure but the way people treat it I believe the Yield must be Latin for ‘Push the pedal completely to the floor, gun this car directly into traffic, sanity be damned, I’m on the road now’. I always get a shot of adrenaline when I’m driving on the highway and I see someone coming up to merge. There is clearly a sign stating that they should yield to the traffic that is already driving on the highway at a high rate of speed. But oh no. That means nothing to these people. They act like they are in a race, pulling up beside you while their dog Muttley cackles in the back seat. Normally I try to get over in order to let them on without trouble, however apparently they can’t tell that I’m boxed in at all sides by tractor trailers and they MUST get in front of me or else the terrorists win or something. Could you imagine if people acted like this in other situations (situations not including a metal death machine)? Like you are waiting in line to purchase some fabric softener. You see an open register and you are walking your way to participate in commerce. Out of the corner of your eye you spot some man in a ‘Life’s a Beach’ T-Shirt. He starts running at full speed, jumps in front of you, and slams down the latest edition of Cat Fancy on the conveyer belt and then smugly smiles back at you ‘Oh I didn’t see you there, thank God you yielded’
I Jumped in Front of You, Now I Must Drive at 3 Miles an Hour
You always know exactly when this is going to happen. You are driving along leading the way. The windows are down and your favorite song is playing. The sun is hitting you just right and you are just cruising. Loving each and every second of life. Then you see it. That car at a stop sign. You have the right of way and they should know better than to cut out in front of you since no one else is coming other than you. But then you spot them doing that little ‘maybe if I inch up 2 centimeters I’ll get there faster’ move that they do. You lock eyes with the other driver like you are strangers across a room. You just start thinking ‘Don’t you dare’ but by then it’s too late. With only feet in front of you and them starting from a prone position, the burn out and fly in front of you, causing you to slam on the breaks. They’ve already taken the risk of dashing out in front of you but this is not enough. Instead of you know, speeding away in hopes not to have you feel the need to chase them down, they decide ‘Ok folks, I’m NOW going to live life at a leisurely pace. Can’t we all just slow down and smell the roses?’. Now I’m forced to go slower than the speed limit after just saving my own life from someone else’s poor decision. Oh and if that doesn’t make matters bad enough, these are the same folks that apparently don’t understand that a green light means to Go. They sit there just patiently waiting for that beautiful Yellow light they love so much, then floor it through the intersection, leaving you weeping like a child at the red light, all of your dreams dashed in a second.
Turn Signals are supposed to be used to indicate to other drivers that you will be turning your car in one direction or the other. However, I’ve confronted multiple drivers who cannot grasp the idea of either using a turn signal or distinguishing between their left and their right. If you aren’t going to signal at least do us the common courtesy of understanding that not every turn needs to be taken on the point of a needle. Or you have the other classic example of these directionally challenged folks. You are waiting at a red light. You are going to be turning left and the person across from you has no signal on. So you’ve mentally prepared for the idea that you must wait until they go past. The light changes and you hold your spot giving them ample time to get across the road. Then you see them start turning the wheel, and right there in the intersection they decide to turn on the turn signal. Really? Now that you are already ¾ of the way into a turn you decided it was about time to let others know? These people had half a minute of a red light to make that choice. Why can’t they program this function into cars or at least have a GPS to tell them what to do?
“Hello David, I see you have not been using your turn signal. Do you understand that you are confusing and irritating everyone else on the road? I have now taken control of your vehicle and am driving you to the nearest daycare center to help you understand that children 4 and older can understand the difference between left and right and perhaps even the idea that being in a car that can run down and kill people should probably use a turn signal at some point. You are an asshole. Have a great day. I’m turning left now, see the signal?”
My Car is an Extension of my Crappy Personality
This really isn’t a driving situation but it is something that I don’t understand or at least what my brain can’t comprehend. I don’t have a problem with bumper stickers all that much, but I don’t understand why some people feel the reason to telegraph some things that they feel everyone should know. I see some weird stickers out there: My Other Car is a Broomstick, Keep Honkin’ I’m Reloading, or I Want to Make Sweet Passionate Love to My Labradoodle. I use bumper stickers as a way to gauge if I should ever have a conversation with the person inside the car. If I see at least 4 stickers extolling their love of the breed of dog they selected or a sticker that says ‘My Kid Can Lick His Own Balls’, I’ve made a cognitive decision that this person may possibly try to murder me in some dog-obsessed rage. If I see a bumper sticker that says something to the effect of ‘Learn to Speak American’ I know the person inside failed their GED class at Night School and may be confused by shapes.
If someone has a muffler that sounds like a jet airplane having sex with an air raid siren. I can 100% guarantee that the driver is very sexually inadequate and that the sound of that muffler is practically screaming ‘I have a very small penis, please pay attention to my vroom vroom’. People who have the fake set of balls that hang off the tow hitch on their truck are also saying the same thing and most likely huffing gasoline in the back of their double wide. *This also applies to people who drive import/kit cars and Hummers*
The other one that gets me is the Patriotism-mobile. I saw one guy who had at least 14 American Flags, many others detailing his hate of foreigners, and his truck was actually painted in red, white, and blue. If that care was any more Patriotic it would have the corpse of Ben Franklin dragging behind it.
What drives you crazy about driving?