As a parent, part of your job is to do things you do not want to do. This includes things like fighting a 3 year old to eat more than one bite of dinner or listening to ‘All Around the Mulberry Bush’ until blood spurts from your ears like a fire hose. This series will spotlight things that we as parents can’t stand. A safe forum to voice your frustration, or utter hatred for something related to parenthood.
What is ‘Caillou’?
For those of you who have never heard of this abomination, please take this as a warning. ‘Caillou’ is a kid’s television show that appears on PBS and is available on Netflix Instant View. On the surface, ‘Caillou’ seems like a harmless and cute show for kids.
You may be fooled, like I was, into thinking that ‘Hey, it’s nice to see a kids show that focuses on the family, the kids act like kids in that age group, and my kid seems to love this ‘Caillou’ fella. He’s A-OK in my book!’
And that is the trap that is laid by Caillou. Like falling into a pit filled with spikes laced with feces, you only realize once it is too late that you fucked up badly. Because by the time you understand the true deafening horror that is the spawn of Satan, your child is already hooked, and you dear friend are the arbiter of unfairness should you try to excise this demon from your home.
What’s so bad about peace, love, and Caillou?
‘Caillou’ is filled with a whole cast of characters, from Caillou’s parents, sister Rosie, friends, and the surrounding neighborhood. They are all kind and helpful, and a true joy to watch. But the problem with this show comes down to one character and one character alone
Caillouis the single most annoying cartoon character ever created. He’s four, already prone to male pattern baldness, and the attitude of a primadonna. At first you may think his reactions to every situation mimic the actions of your own 4 year old. But now instead of having one whining child in your home, you have 2, and this new one is now your child’s hero.
Ask yourself; do you enjoy listening to a whining child?
If you answered yes, then you are going to love Caillou, because this little son of a bitch does nothing but whine. That is his only reaction to every situation. Caillou goes to school, he whines. Caillou makes breakfast, he whines. It’s raining outside. Guess who is whining about that too? No matter what is going on around him, this kid has a mission to ruin the lives of all the people who are forced to spend more than one minute in his presence. Hell, even in Caillou books, he whines!
This little bastard doesn’t appreciate one damn thing his parents do for him. His parents have this dead look in their eyes that says ‘why oh why did that condom have to break’. I’m waiting for the episode where they’ve been pushed to the edge and just haul off and slap him across his smug little face and tell him to shut the fuck up.
When he isn’t whining, which seems to only happen between breaths, he has a voice like that a pleading buzzsaw, which is currently digging its way through your temporal lobe.
Watch this short video:
You hear that noise? Expect to hear that every episode, that is the sound of your doom approaching. Did you notice his eyes in this video when he doesn’t get his way within 2 seconds of trying something? He goes from whiny to serial killer. That furrowed brow that says ‘I will murder everything within a 2 mile radius if I don’t get my way, right now!’. This kid is a psychopath and I think that is why no one understands how to say ‘no’ to him.
Seriously, if you take Caillou out of his own show, you may end up with one of the sweetest and most charming children’s shows. As it stands, this show only stands to force parents to drink are curse under their breath every time their child says ‘I wanna watch Caillou’.
The worst part is that to young kids, Caillou becomes a role model as to how they should act. Your previously well mannered child, will now exhibit signs of what I like to call Whineius Calliouious. You’ll look into the face of your young boy or girl and suddenly they are whining. Now all you can see when you look at them are real life Caillous that have come to destroy your soul. Once Caillouhas infected them, the only cure is to refuse them to watch it anymore, which leads to only more Caillou level whining.
What can parents do to help this situation?
Unfortunately, after your kid has watched Caillou, there is not much you can do. A start is to unplug all electronic devices as to keep away from the risk of every seeing Caillou. Then learn to erase even the work Caillou from your vocabulary. Pretend as if you’ve never heard, seen, or read anything involving Caillou.
If your child asks ‘When can we watch Caillou’
Act dumb and reply ‘What is Caillou? I’ve never heard of such a thing before. Here have a cookie.’ Your child may throw a fit or hate you forever, but at least you will not have to sit through another 30 minutes of bald-headed torture.
If all else fails, please enjoy this:
Kloipy’s ‘Calliou’ Drinking Game
If Caillou cries: Take a Drink
If Caillou fights with his sister, mom, dad, the cat, the weather, any random thing that floats into his vision: Take a Drink
If Caillou gets his way: Take a Drink
If Caillou’s parents look exhausted or sigh: Take a Drink
If someone puts up with Caillou’s bullshit for way too long: Take a Drink
If Caillou doesn’t understand something, which then makes him whine: Take a Drink
If Caillou speaks in a sugary sweet way that puts you into diabetic shock: Take a Drink
Follow these rules and you will slip into sweet, sweet oblivion.