I’m Too Damn Old For The Internet

Sometimes, I love the web. I’ve met some awesome people, had some laughs, and learned everything I could ever possibly want about the flight patterns of the red-throated sap sucker. But there are times. Times where I hear about things that I just cannot logically wrap my brain around. Things that confuse me, things that horrify me, things that leave me shaking my fist at the monitor and telling these kids to get off my damn lawn.

MEMES

I get it. It is not that I don’t get what memes are. I totally get it. I just don’t think it is funny. Granted a few have made me chuckle here and there, but damn it, I GET IT ALREADY. Yep, you took a drawing or a picture and wrote a couple of words and now it has more hits than all of my posts combined. Is this some sort of hieroglyphic that will confuse extraterrestrials when they visit thousands of years after we have been wiped off the face of the planet?

Alien 1: These creatures were very confused as to whether things were this or something different.

Alien 2:  They seemed very concerned as to if Bros were mad for some reason.

Alien 1: They believed that the great creator needed Lulz and if not they would shout Fffffffffuuuuuuuuuuuuu  to the heavens.

Alien 2: Let the great fapping commence

Alien 1 and 2 together: FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP ROTFLMAO

Seriously, go do a Google search for ‘memes’ and you will find the biggest mash up of the most random and bi-polar pictures that you would imagine could wallpaper a cell in a psychiatric hospital.

PewdiePie

No, this is not some sort of down home desert. PewdiePie is the name of a YouTube celebrity. What, pray tell does PewdiePie offer in the way entertainment? Well, I’m not wholly certain of what his style of ‘commentary’ is.  He plays games, makes ‘funny’ voices, and I don’t know; screams a lot? Just take a look at his most popular video here:

Imagine that in almost every single one of his videos, of which he has almost a thousand of. Like me, you might be thinking ‘what the fck was that?’ I don’t have an answer for you, but apparently it is insanely popular. That video you probably just shut off within two minutes; that video ALONE has 16,738,811 views. I’m going to write that out for a second. Sixteen Million, Seven Hundred Thirty Eight Thousand, Eight Hundred and Eleven views.  For one video of NOTHING. Almost every single one of his videos had reached at least a million views.  He also has a loyal band of followers called ‘Bros’ and they do a fist bump they call the ‘Bro-Fist’ which to me sounds like some sort of prison retaliation method.

I’ve watched a few of his videos and I cannot wrap my head around why this is so popular. Maybe it is the subtle nuance of his high-pitched screeching or the pansexual non-intimidating manner in which he presents to the world, but for the life of me, my brain will not allow me to comprehend exactly what it is I’m staring at.

If you understand it, please let me know.

Bronies and Cloppers

You know this can go nowhere good

Ok. We are getting into dark territory here people. Please, for the more sensitive readers or those who don’t want have their souls tarnished for all eternity, you may want to turn back now. May I suggest another article I have written? Or perhaps check out one of my friends on my blogroll!

Still here?

If you have not heard about this subsection, let me clue you in. In the past few years, My Little Pony was remade on television as My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. The only reason I know this is because I have a daughter. One who likes ponies and brightly colored cartoons. I’ve let her watch it, I’ve gotten her a few of the toys, no big deal. But when I put the show on, I don’t sit down and watch the whole show with her. I don’t know the characters names or their magical friendships. You know, because I’m a grown man who doesn’t have a lot of connection to ponies.

But then again, some people do. Bronies are male followers of My Little Pony. Not like 8 year old boys who like the show, I’m talking about grown adult men who love this show. To the point where they actually watch it on their own, collect the toys, dress up like the characters, and go to Brony-Con a gathering of the Bronies. The first time I heard about this trend it blew my fucking mind. I could not picture a grown man being into this show, let alone telling people he was into this show.

So I had to do some research into this. I mean, there is no way this was all that popular. Let me tell you folks; the rabbit hole goes deeper.

I found artwork. I found forums. A whole plethora of YouTube videos

Just today, Buzzfeed posted a gallery of men who photoshop pictures of the ponies into pictures of themselves, as if the ponies actually live with them. Check it out here:

http://www.buzzfeed.com/katienotopoulos/sad-bronies-make-themselves-photoshopped-pony-girl

Even if I liked the show, there is no way in hell I would ever tell anyone. I couldn’t imagine going to my family and admitting to them that I loved this shit. I figure there have been those who have told their families about it; and I’ve deemed that to be ‘Coming Out of the Stable’.  Imagine dating someone and having to take them home to your apartment covered in My Little Pony merchandise, and then trying to convince them that you aren’t going to mutilate them and keep the pieces in your fridge. I fully understand that everyone enjoys different things, but I cannot understand this AT ALL. All I can tell you is baby, I wasn’t born THIS way.

I mean, these are cartoons aimed at young girls. For God’s sake, the show is about magical ponies! How can you watch this and actually love it to the point where you need to go to a convention just to hang out with other men who watch this shit and discuss who your favorite pony is. I think if I were to enjoy my little pony in this regard my testicles would automatically force their way up through my body, be expelled from my mouth, and explode in a rainbow of dying testosterone.

As if this wasn’t weird enough, it gets darker.

Bronies also have a subgroup of the larger collective. These folks are called ‘Cloppers’.  Cloppers are men that not only enjoy the show in an above average way, they also want to fuck these ponies. I’m not kidding folks. There are men that watch the show and masturbate to this shit. They have pictures (don’t worry I’m not posting any of that here) of these ponies and more disgusting things that will remain nameless. When I learned about this group, I completely shut down. This is too much. This shit needs to END. If you want to screw a pony that is your own demented business, but you should also understand the fact that you are royally, unequivocally, fucked up forever. Once you have beat off to the picture of a cartoon pony it is over for you. There is nothing you will ever do that can erase that from your life. You could save a group of kids and baby harp seals from a burning bus and still have to deal with the fact that a cartoon for children gets you all hot and bothered. That shit is just messed the fuck up.

If you read this and are a Brony (no cloppers please, you can’t explain that shit to me), please let me know what it is that you enjoy about this show or how you handle yourself. I don’t know man, I just don’t get it.

I’m too old for this shit.

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29 thoughts on “I’m Too Damn Old For The Internet

  1. You have literally blown my mind…I knew there was some fucked up people in the world these days but this takes it to another level…..it reminds me of that movie Blue Velvet for some wierd reason…like another side of life your don’t know is out there and once you do you don’t want to see or get involved in it or have them catch you looking at it for fear of being found later cut into pieces and stuffe into a suitcase under someones bed,,,,omg…I am avoiding Little Pony…sorry you have to be reminded of everytime you have to watch it…

    • I thought I couldn’t be shocked by anything until I heard about that. The bronies aren’t hurting anyone, other than their own sex lives, but the cloppers, man that shit is just too fucked up

  2. Urg, I’m all for different strokes, but that last one is just too weird for my taste. Once we get into the bestiality stuff, it’s my cue to GTFO.

    Okay, I know this is off topic, but can I just say that the people who squick me out THE MOST are the adults who really, REALLY love Disney? LIKE, WHAT THE EFF. You are so old and yet nothing gets your rocks of quite like Mickey, or Snow White, or Aladdin? That is so strange to me, I just can’t even.

    I’ve met people who spent their honeymoon’s at Disneyland! *head exploides* I am incapable of not writing off these individuals serial killers and bathroom masturbators. (I don’t even like Disney for kids but that’s a whole other can of worms.)

    Funny and insightful (although disturbing) as always Kloipy!
    xx

    • The Disney people are weird too. It’s fine to enjoy the movies. but those people who wear the clothes, have the vanity plates, ect, just creeps me out. Watch out for those bathroom masturbators, they are the worst haha!

  3. I just love that last big paragraph about how messed up cloppers are. Thank you for explaining them to me so I don’t have to research it myself *shudder*

  4. *giggles* You should write about being too old for the internet more often, lol. Memes annoy me because they’re just chain letters. That dude – I shut it off in 26 seconds. My friend’s kid would probably love it (he reminds me of that other YouTube guy Fred – are you familiar?). I think it’s like you said the unintimidating stupidity of it. It takes no brain cells to watch that where other stuff you have to, you know, like think about? I knew about the Bronies but not the Cloppers…yeah…the internet is like the rabbit hole in Alice of Wonderland. I once googled “Red Mist” looking for info on a movie I was reviewing. What I got was Squidward from Spongebob committing suicide and from there things took an unfortunate turn…I try not to google things too much anymore…not till I’ve recovered from that one…

    • Fred is also another one I don’t get. And that kid now has tv shows and movies. how the hell did that happen.
      One time we were looking up pictures of scooby doo for a costume and the amount of disgusting cartoon porn was insane

      • Again, I think it’s the non-threatening non-sexuality of the dude. He screams like a little girl, acts ridiculous and children love it. The only thing I’ve ever seen him in that I didn’t want to punch him was iCarly (my ex had a kid so it was totally reasonable for me to be watching, lol!) where he actually played like himself and not Fred.

        I hate cartoon porn, I really do. It just disturbs me.

  5. Awesome, awesome post. Very funny man. Loved the title and, as it turns out, I’m too damn old for the internet as well. I had no idea who PewdiePie was before this (I watched a few seconds of the video and then closed the freaking tab; it’s awful) and I had no idea Bronies (much less Cloppers; that is so sick) existed. “‘Coming Out of the Stable” Loved that.

  6. Memes? Eh?

    PewdiePie? I’ve seen him before; I switched him off after 20 seconds. It’s pointless.

    Cloppies & Boners? What? Blokes knock one out to ‘My Little Pony’ cartoons? Bemusing, but if I’m honest, not entirely surprising. The world is full of pervs.

    Very funny, Kloipy. Your outrage/ dismay interface amuses me.

  7. If your too old for the internet then I’m too fucking ancient for it… What the hell is a Viral Video?

    • i just can’t wait to tell my grandkids about the days of yore where we didn’t have cable and listened to music on a ‘record player’

      • hahaha! I don’t have any of my vinyl records left . I should have held on to some of them but I do have my laserdiscs! Oh man, I remember not having cable as well. My kids wouldn’t have survived those days…

  8. I new about Bronies, but not Cloppers. I didn’t want to know that. I came across Kim Possible porn once. At least she is a human cartoon. But really, some people need to get a life. I can’t believe I just said that. But really, Cloppers, no I just don’t want to know.

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