Sometimes, I love the web. I’ve met some awesome people, had some laughs, and learned everything I could ever possibly want about the flight patterns of the red-throated sap sucker. But there are times. Times where I hear about things that I just cannot logically wrap my brain around. Things that confuse me, things that horrify me, things that leave me shaking my fist at the monitor and telling these kids to get off my damn lawn.
I get it. It is not that I don’t get what memes are. I totally get it. I just don’t think it is funny. Granted a few have made me chuckle here and there, but damn it, I GET IT ALREADY. Yep, you took a drawing or a picture and wrote a couple of words and now it has more hits than all of my posts combined. Is this some sort of hieroglyphic that will confuse extraterrestrials when they visit thousands of years after we have been wiped off the face of the planet?
Alien 1: These creatures were very confused as to whether things were this or something different.
Alien 2: They seemed very concerned as to if Bros were mad for some reason.
Alien 1: They believed that the great creator needed Lulz and if not they would shout Fffffffffuuuuuuuuuuuuu to the heavens.
Alien 2: Let the great fapping commence
Alien 1 and 2 together: FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP ROTFLMAO
Seriously, go do a Google search for ‘memes’ and you will find the biggest mash up of the most random and bi-polar pictures that you would imagine could wallpaper a cell in a psychiatric hospital.
No, this is not some sort of down home desert. PewdiePie is the name of a YouTube celebrity. What, pray tell does PewdiePie offer in the way entertainment? Well, I’m not wholly certain of what his style of ‘commentary’ is. He plays games, makes ‘funny’ voices, and I don’t know; screams a lot? Just take a look at his most popular video here:
Imagine that in almost every single one of his videos, of which he has almost a thousand of. Like me, you might be thinking ‘what the fck was that?’ I don’t have an answer for you, but apparently it is insanely popular. That video you probably just shut off within two minutes; that video ALONE has 16,738,811 views. I’m going to write that out for a second. Sixteen Million, Seven Hundred Thirty Eight Thousand, Eight Hundred and Eleven views. For one video of NOTHING. Almost every single one of his videos had reached at least a million views. He also has a loyal band of followers called ‘Bros’ and they do a fist bump they call the ‘Bro-Fist’ which to me sounds like some sort of prison retaliation method.
I’ve watched a few of his videos and I cannot wrap my head around why this is so popular. Maybe it is the subtle nuance of his high-pitched screeching or the pansexual non-intimidating manner in which he presents to the world, but for the life of me, my brain will not allow me to comprehend exactly what it is I’m staring at.
If you understand it, please let me know.
Bronies and Cloppers
Ok. We are getting into dark territory here people. Please, for the more sensitive readers or those who don’t want have their souls tarnished for all eternity, you may want to turn back now. May I suggest another article I have written? Or perhaps check out one of my friends on my blogroll!
If you have not heard about this subsection, let me clue you in. In the past few years, My Little Pony was remade on television as My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. The only reason I know this is because I have a daughter. One who likes ponies and brightly colored cartoons. I’ve let her watch it, I’ve gotten her a few of the toys, no big deal. But when I put the show on, I don’t sit down and watch the whole show with her. I don’t know the characters names or their magical friendships. You know, because I’m a grown man who doesn’t have a lot of connection to ponies.
But then again, some people do. Bronies are male followers of My Little Pony. Not like 8 year old boys who like the show, I’m talking about grown adult men who love this show. To the point where they actually watch it on their own, collect the toys, dress up like the characters, and go to Brony-Con a gathering of the Bronies. The first time I heard about this trend it blew my fucking mind. I could not picture a grown man being into this show, let alone telling people he was into this show.
So I had to do some research into this. I mean, there is no way this was all that popular. Let me tell you folks; the rabbit hole goes deeper.
I found artwork. I found forums. A whole plethora of YouTube videos
Just today, Buzzfeed posted a gallery of men who photoshop pictures of the ponies into pictures of themselves, as if the ponies actually live with them. Check it out here:
Even if I liked the show, there is no way in hell I would ever tell anyone. I couldn’t imagine going to my family and admitting to them that I loved this shit. I figure there have been those who have told their families about it; and I’ve deemed that to be ‘Coming Out of the Stable’. Imagine dating someone and having to take them home to your apartment covered in My Little Pony merchandise, and then trying to convince them that you aren’t going to mutilate them and keep the pieces in your fridge. I fully understand that everyone enjoys different things, but I cannot understand this AT ALL. All I can tell you is baby, I wasn’t born THIS way.
I mean, these are cartoons aimed at young girls. For God’s sake, the show is about magical ponies! How can you watch this and actually love it to the point where you need to go to a convention just to hang out with other men who watch this shit and discuss who your favorite pony is. I think if I were to enjoy my little pony in this regard my testicles would automatically force their way up through my body, be expelled from my mouth, and explode in a rainbow of dying testosterone.
As if this wasn’t weird enough, it gets darker.
Bronies also have a subgroup of the larger collective. These folks are called ‘Cloppers’. Cloppers are men that not only enjoy the show in an above average way, they also want to fuck these ponies. I’m not kidding folks. There are men that watch the show and masturbate to this shit. They have pictures (don’t worry I’m not posting any of that here) of these ponies and more disgusting things that will remain nameless. When I learned about this group, I completely shut down. This is too much. This shit needs to END. If you want to screw a pony that is your own demented business, but you should also understand the fact that you are royally, unequivocally, fucked up forever. Once you have beat off to the picture of a cartoon pony it is over for you. There is nothing you will ever do that can erase that from your life. You could save a group of kids and baby harp seals from a burning bus and still have to deal with the fact that a cartoon for children gets you all hot and bothered. That shit is just messed the fuck up.
If you read this and are a Brony (no cloppers please, you can’t explain that shit to me), please let me know what it is that you enjoy about this show or how you handle yourself. I don’t know man, I just don’t get it.
I’m too old for this shit.