The Doing

So. I have been off the blogging grid for quite some time now. Part of it has been dealing with the hectic quality of life itself. Another hand has been thinking where I want to take this platform. I’ve also been working on writing a book. But I’ve made enough excuses now and it is time to truly get back to this.
I’ve decided to drop doing film reviews. It was fun while it lasted, but there are also a thousand (actually a lot more) blogs and sites dedicated to writing about film. As much as I love it, I don’t think my ‘writing voice’ will be served by adding in my two cents. Someone else has probably already said it and said it better than I can. I feel like my take on it will get lost in the void and really writing film reviews is not what I want to use my abilities for. I think it has its place and can be quiet grand, but for me I no longer have the heart to write about film.
What I really want to focus on are the things that are more pressing on my mind. And that is life. Not just a mundane rundown of what I have done or seen, because no one wants to read that. I’m talking about the deeper parts of life. Things that are more pressing that an Instagram photo of the bagel I ate for breakfast (I lied about the bagel, I hardly ever eat them).
Over the past series of Earth rotations, I’ve had some fundamentally big changes in the way I view life and it’s many intricacies. Part of it stemming from opening my worldview from beyond the normal day to day activities and trying to look at things in a new perspective. It may sound trite, but I think it is also partly true, that a lot of this has come from turning 30. Though it was not some astronomical shift that occurred at 12am on Nov 4th 2013, but just the realization that I’m exciting one stage in my life and moving on to another. The male life expectancy in the United States is currently standing at 77. Now, given you can go at any time, but should I be one of those lucky enough to get to or above that mark, I have already met one-third of my life. While 77 years may seem like a long run, it is also vastly and horrifyingly short. And the adage that life goes by too fast is quickly becoming a constant reminder.
I do not have any sort of delusions of grandeur that my writing is so important that millions will want to read it or be changed or challenged by something I say. Yet, my own personal goals are not being met due to my own doing.
There is something so frightening about the ‘doing’. The idea and the thought can be so uplifting and powerful. You can get a high off of your own ideas, until you get down to actually putting it out there. Sometimes I’ve started something, gotten pages into it, and quit. Maybe not all of them were good, but the self-doubt strikes with a heavy blade. It is by no fault of anyone that I’ve given up. But what I’ve done was continued to make excuses to myself as to why I didn’t finish, just like those same excuses at the start of this post. I’m not worried about being judged and frankly some of the best learning comes from those who don’t know you and can be brutally honest. When everyone agrees with you, you become complacent, but those who take you to task make you push harder to do better.
This brings us back to the shift. I want to focus more on the doing. It is not all going to be good (I am not a great writer, but I feel I have some talent for it), but it needs to be something. My life has already flown by and looking back now, it seems that it has disappeared behind me like the road in your taillights on a dark stretch of highway. I do not like to live with regret and I do not want to look back and think ‘If only I would have done…’ I will succeed by doing it; my reward will be the one I give to myself.